Before starting this journey, lots of people asked me, and I wondered myself, how would I feel about carrying a baby that wasn't mine? I'm sure things can and will change as I get farther along, but honestly, there are times that I totally forget I'm even pregnant.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I couldn't concentrate on anything for days. I probably spent 7 out of my 8 work hours browsing pregnancy internet chat rooms and baby name websites. My feelings wavered between elation and terror, amazed that I was going to be responsible for a whole human being in 9 months. When I found out I was pregnant this time, I smiled, decided it was too early to call my IPs yet, and jumped in the shower to get ready for work. Other that the necessary tasks that occupy my day, such as coordinating with doctors, labs, and my agency, I really don't think about the pregnancy at all. This might have something to do with the fact that this is my second as opposed to first pregnancy, but I think it mainly has to do with the fact that once I pop this kid out, I don't have to worry about it anymore.
I often find myself thinking things like: "Aww, look at that cute pregnant belly on that lady. She is so lucky. Oh wait...I'm pregnant too!" "Why do my boobs hurt? Oh yeah, I'm pregnant." "Time for me to carry this huge box of crap to the basement. Oh wait, I shouldn't do that, I'm pregnant."
It really is totally different this time around. Last time I spent my time thinking about how my life would change to include a newborn. Now, while I'm sure my IPs' thoughts are consumed with that sort of stuff, I have my own family to focus on. I have a toddler who has recently discovered that she has her own opinions which sometimes differ than my opinions, and she is having trouble learning how to deal with her disappointment when things don't go her way. I have a husband who I don't see for days at a time, and who will be starting school again in January, and I want to make the most of my time with him when I do have him around. I have my own problems, joys, challenges, and goals, and none of them include a baby.
When I do stop to think about the pregnancy now, it's to worry about whether I am carrying one or two babies. I agreed to transfer two embryos and carry two babies if they both took. If that's what happened, I will put on my brave face and protect those little peanuts as well and for as long as I can. But if I'm being honest, I'm really, really scared of twins and all the added risks that come with them: elevated risks of pregnancy complications, preterm babies, bed rest and c-section. I scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday, January 9, and we will find out for sure how many kiddos are cooking in there. After that, I will know what I'm facing and will be able to move forward!
I was really nervous with twins also but I found that if I hadn't known it was twins I don't think I would have figured it out. No morning sickness even. The only difference was feeling full term at about 32 weeks instead of later and even then it was just being super tired. It was much easier than I thought:) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt makes a lot of sense as to why your feelings are so different this time around. I was only pregnant for a mere 8 weeks until we found out it was ectopic and I was so conscious of my pregnancy that it felt as if I'd scratched the words "With Child" on my forehead!
ReplyDeleteBut what you are doing is a wonderous thing. It will be a story that you can be proud to tell for generations.