I admit that while I've been busy settling into my life in Colorado, surrogacy was not on my mind much. So when I began viewing surrogacy news this week, I was fairly horrified at all the things that have been going on in Thailand. (here, here and here) Needless to say, the Thai government has started cracking down on surrogacy in will what will likely end in the commercial surrogacy industry being shut down completely. Meanwhile, many parents and their new children have been barred from leaving the country.
I think for a lot of hopeful parents, going to a third world country can seem like an attractive option because of the cost savings. But there is a lot to be said for choosing to have your children where both the baby and surrogate will have access to good medical care, and where there is a long and stable history for surrogacy, with laws and regulations to back up the rights of the intended parents as well as the surrogates.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
I'm Back!
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since my last post! So much has happened since April.
In early April, I accepted a perfect job in Denver that practically fell into my lap. We moved to Denver in mid-May, and I started working a week later. About 2 weeks before we moved, we amazingly got an offer on the house. For the last two months, we have been living with my parents while we waited for our house to close and looked for a new house in Denver. The market here is tough. We lost three houses in bidding wars before we finally found our home. But we finally moved in two weeks ago and are starting to feel more settled into our new lives in Denver.
My surrotwins turned a year old on July 31! It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since they were born. I received some pictures of them on their first birthday, and they sure are cuties! I can tell that they are well loved and spoiled by their parents.
As far as the future, we have decided we would like to have another baby of our own before doing another surrogacy. We are planning on taking a well deserved vacation later this year, and we will start trying for a baby shortly after. So excited to see what the future holds for our little family!
In early April, I accepted a perfect job in Denver that practically fell into my lap. We moved to Denver in mid-May, and I started working a week later. About 2 weeks before we moved, we amazingly got an offer on the house. For the last two months, we have been living with my parents while we waited for our house to close and looked for a new house in Denver. The market here is tough. We lost three houses in bidding wars before we finally found our home. But we finally moved in two weeks ago and are starting to feel more settled into our new lives in Denver.
My surrotwins turned a year old on July 31! It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since they were born. I received some pictures of them on their first birthday, and they sure are cuties! I can tell that they are well loved and spoiled by their parents.
As far as the future, we have decided we would like to have another baby of our own before doing another surrogacy. We are planning on taking a well deserved vacation later this year, and we will start trying for a baby shortly after. So excited to see what the future holds for our little family!
Monday, April 21, 2014
What Reasons are "Good Enough" For Using a Surrogate?
Elle Magazine posted this article regarding women who choose to use surrogates to carry their children not because of a medical need, but as they put it, as "social" need. They are worried pregnancy will hurt their career, their body, etc.
http://www.elle.com/life-love/society-career/birth-rights?click=main_sr
This is one of those articles that was put out there specifically to create more controversy about surrogacy, but I do think it brought up some good points and made me stop and think about whether I'd be willing to carry for someone like "Mari." For me, the answer is a resounding no.
I understand that some people are very career driven, and that their absence from their field can be dangerous because they may be irrelevant by the time they return. That's fine. But in my opinion, those people shouldn't be having kids. It seems that so many people have forgotten that kids are not a commodity that you simply acquire as a next step after getting married. Children require your time, your love, and your presence throughout life. You make sacrifices for them from the day they are conceived until the day you die. If someone is worried that a 9 month pregnancy will hurt their job too much, how are they going to react when their kid has the stomach flu on the day of a big meeting, or they have to be up three times a night for a week soothing a teething infant? Will they just hire someone to deal with those issues too? Are they going to be willing and able to take maternity leave from their jobs? Will they have enough time for their children to be there to celebrate their successes, soothe them in their sorrows, and just let them know they are loved? Pregnancy is one of the smallest sacrifices you make in parenthood. The hard part comes after they your baby is born.
Another thing about this rubs me the wrong way, and that is how she thinks she will just "hire someone" to carry her child in the same way she would hire someone to clean her house. By saying she doesn't have enough time for pregnancy, it implies that she thinks surrogates are just sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting for something to do. Surrogates make many sacrifices - both personal and professional - to carry a baby for another. To equate that to someone who provides any other service, even for compensation, ignores the fact that we are sacrificing time with our children, taking time off from our jobs, and putting our health and our LIVES on the line so that they can become parents. And more importantly, the reason most surrogates do what they do is because they want to feel like they helped create or complete a family that wouldn't have come to be otherwise.
Now I realize that many of the IMs out there are this woman, fast forwarded 5 or 10 years. In their 30s they were too busy with their careers to be ready to have children, now that they are finally ready they are in their 40s and it's too late. Are these women really any more deserving of having children than the woman in this article? After all, it's their fault they waited so long.
I'm sure this answer is different for each person, but for me, I do think they are more deserving. Why? Because they are ready to have kids. They are to the point where they want children more than anything else, and are willing to do whatever it takes to get them here. And I think that woman, even though she may be considered "too old" by some to be a parent, is going to be a much better mother than she would have been if she had had children 10 years ago, when she wasn't ready to make them her first priority.
That said, this is America, and people are free to do whatever they want. If this woman wants to hire a surrogate, I'm sure she'll find a match who doesn't have any problem with her chosen path to parenthood. That's what's so great about this surrogacy thing, there is a match for everyone, and it helps all types of people achieve parenthood!
http://www.elle.com/life-love/society-career/birth-rights?click=main_sr
This is one of those articles that was put out there specifically to create more controversy about surrogacy, but I do think it brought up some good points and made me stop and think about whether I'd be willing to carry for someone like "Mari." For me, the answer is a resounding no.
I understand that some people are very career driven, and that their absence from their field can be dangerous because they may be irrelevant by the time they return. That's fine. But in my opinion, those people shouldn't be having kids. It seems that so many people have forgotten that kids are not a commodity that you simply acquire as a next step after getting married. Children require your time, your love, and your presence throughout life. You make sacrifices for them from the day they are conceived until the day you die. If someone is worried that a 9 month pregnancy will hurt their job too much, how are they going to react when their kid has the stomach flu on the day of a big meeting, or they have to be up three times a night for a week soothing a teething infant? Will they just hire someone to deal with those issues too? Are they going to be willing and able to take maternity leave from their jobs? Will they have enough time for their children to be there to celebrate their successes, soothe them in their sorrows, and just let them know they are loved? Pregnancy is one of the smallest sacrifices you make in parenthood. The hard part comes after they your baby is born.
Another thing about this rubs me the wrong way, and that is how she thinks she will just "hire someone" to carry her child in the same way she would hire someone to clean her house. By saying she doesn't have enough time for pregnancy, it implies that she thinks surrogates are just sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting for something to do. Surrogates make many sacrifices - both personal and professional - to carry a baby for another. To equate that to someone who provides any other service, even for compensation, ignores the fact that we are sacrificing time with our children, taking time off from our jobs, and putting our health and our LIVES on the line so that they can become parents. And more importantly, the reason most surrogates do what they do is because they want to feel like they helped create or complete a family that wouldn't have come to be otherwise.
Now I realize that many of the IMs out there are this woman, fast forwarded 5 or 10 years. In their 30s they were too busy with their careers to be ready to have children, now that they are finally ready they are in their 40s and it's too late. Are these women really any more deserving of having children than the woman in this article? After all, it's their fault they waited so long.
I'm sure this answer is different for each person, but for me, I do think they are more deserving. Why? Because they are ready to have kids. They are to the point where they want children more than anything else, and are willing to do whatever it takes to get them here. And I think that woman, even though she may be considered "too old" by some to be a parent, is going to be a much better mother than she would have been if she had had children 10 years ago, when she wasn't ready to make them her first priority.
That said, this is America, and people are free to do whatever they want. If this woman wants to hire a surrogate, I'm sure she'll find a match who doesn't have any problem with her chosen path to parenthood. That's what's so great about this surrogacy thing, there is a match for everyone, and it helps all types of people achieve parenthood!
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Stitch Fix #3 - Some Good, Some Bad
After waiting with much anticipation, I received my third Stitch Fix earlier this week. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I had finally broken down and joined Pinterest to create a fashion board and link it to my profile, and I had been busy pinning other Stitch Fix pieces I liked from people's blog posts.
When I opened my box, I experienced two disappointments right off the bat. First, despite that fact that I had specifically requested my stylist from my two previous fixes, I was assigned someone new. Also, when I had requested my fix, I had specifically requested a skirt, and there was none to be found in my box. Nor was there any reference in my stylist's note as to why I didn't receive one, which led me to wonder if my request had been read at all. That said, my new stylist still did a good job picking out some nice items.
1) Collective Concepts Esten Button-Up Sleeveless Blouse ($54)
My first impression of this blouse was good. It was a beautiful color and a nice, light material. However, when I put it on, it looked very tent-like on me. It also washed out my already pale skin. Plus it was dry clean only, despite the fact that I had requested no dry clean items in my profile. Status: Returned
2) Pomelo Corinna Striped Dolman Top ($48)
I really liked this shirt when I pulled it out of the box. I don't have a lot of casual clothes that are also nice, since I usually gravitate toward spending my money on business attire for my work place. As a result, I spend most of my off hours in sweatshirts or T shirts. This one had a nice comfy feel and look, was a pretty color, and make me look more put together than I normally do on the weekends. However, once I put it on I noticed that it was starting to come apart at the seams on both sleeves. Sad face.
I emailed customer service to see if they had a replacement they could send me, since otherwise I really liked it. They got back to me within a few hours to say that they didn't have any others in stock, but that if I thought it could be repaired, they would offer me a 15% discount if I wanted to keep it. I debated for a couple days, but then when I put it on again, I noticed that some of the stripes didn't match up at the seams. Overall I decided it was just not well made, and decided to send it back. Status: Reluctantly Returned
3) Just Black Kristy Skinny Jean ($78)
These jeans are the same brand I bought (and still love!) from my first fix. Like the last pair, they fit like a glove. However, these were "ankle" jeans. At first I was very put off by this. As someone who has trouble ever finding jeans that are long enough, it just seems wrong to intentionally buy short jeans. However, my husband thought they looked great on me - although I think he was more focused on my butt than my ankles. ;) I went back and forth on these, and slowly started to come around to the idea of jeans short enough to show off cute shoes. But eventually decided I just didn't feel confident enough in them to keep them. Maybe if they had been another inch shorter, they would have looked like true ankle jeans. As they were, they sort of just looked like they were regular length jeans that were too short for me. Actually, I think the length looks better in the picture than it felt like it did when I had them on. Maybe I should have kept them? Status: Returned
4) Pomelo Carla Contrast Trim Drape-Front Cardigan ($54)
This cardigan was one of the items I had pinned to my Pinterest board, so I was super excited to see it in my box. My stylist noted that she was including it because I had pinned it, so it's nice to know that she did take the time to check out the board I spent a lot of time creating. I loved this. SO comfy. It's a lighter cardigan but still fairly warm. I think it will be perfect for chilly spring days or summer nights. The sleeves came buttoned up, but you can also roll them down and they were nice and long. I will be getting a lot of wear out of this one. For those interested, I do think it's worth noting that this is the only item I have received in all three fixes that was not made in the US or Canada (it is from China). Even the other item from Pomelo was made in the US. Status: Kept!
5) Vanessa Mooney Davenport Teardrop Nugget Earrings ($42)
These earrings were not my style at all. They were way too big for me, about the length of my thumb. Even if they had been my style, I would not have paid $42 for them. After receiving these I decided to change my profile to reflect that I didn't want to be sent any more earrings. I just don't like earrings enough to pay Stitch Fix prices for them. Status: Returned
Overall, I am very happy I did another Stitch Fix. I was a bit disappointed with the change in stylist, because it felt like a less personal experience this time. But I still got some great choices of clothing and was able to try out some ankle jeans, which I would never have considered in the store. I will plan on doing another fix, probably in the early summer.
Check out my previous fixes:
Stitch Fix 1
Stitch Fix 2
When I opened my box, I experienced two disappointments right off the bat. First, despite that fact that I had specifically requested my stylist from my two previous fixes, I was assigned someone new. Also, when I had requested my fix, I had specifically requested a skirt, and there was none to be found in my box. Nor was there any reference in my stylist's note as to why I didn't receive one, which led me to wonder if my request had been read at all. That said, my new stylist still did a good job picking out some nice items.
1) Collective Concepts Esten Button-Up Sleeveless Blouse ($54)
2) Pomelo Corinna Striped Dolman Top ($48)
I really liked this shirt when I pulled it out of the box. I don't have a lot of casual clothes that are also nice, since I usually gravitate toward spending my money on business attire for my work place. As a result, I spend most of my off hours in sweatshirts or T shirts. This one had a nice comfy feel and look, was a pretty color, and make me look more put together than I normally do on the weekends. However, once I put it on I noticed that it was starting to come apart at the seams on both sleeves. Sad face.
I emailed customer service to see if they had a replacement they could send me, since otherwise I really liked it. They got back to me within a few hours to say that they didn't have any others in stock, but that if I thought it could be repaired, they would offer me a 15% discount if I wanted to keep it. I debated for a couple days, but then when I put it on again, I noticed that some of the stripes didn't match up at the seams. Overall I decided it was just not well made, and decided to send it back. Status: Reluctantly Returned
3) Just Black Kristy Skinny Jean ($78)
These jeans are the same brand I bought (and still love!) from my first fix. Like the last pair, they fit like a glove. However, these were "ankle" jeans. At first I was very put off by this. As someone who has trouble ever finding jeans that are long enough, it just seems wrong to intentionally buy short jeans. However, my husband thought they looked great on me - although I think he was more focused on my butt than my ankles. ;) I went back and forth on these, and slowly started to come around to the idea of jeans short enough to show off cute shoes. But eventually decided I just didn't feel confident enough in them to keep them. Maybe if they had been another inch shorter, they would have looked like true ankle jeans. As they were, they sort of just looked like they were regular length jeans that were too short for me. Actually, I think the length looks better in the picture than it felt like it did when I had them on. Maybe I should have kept them? Status: Returned
4) Pomelo Carla Contrast Trim Drape-Front Cardigan ($54)
This cardigan was one of the items I had pinned to my Pinterest board, so I was super excited to see it in my box. My stylist noted that she was including it because I had pinned it, so it's nice to know that she did take the time to check out the board I spent a lot of time creating. I loved this. SO comfy. It's a lighter cardigan but still fairly warm. I think it will be perfect for chilly spring days or summer nights. The sleeves came buttoned up, but you can also roll them down and they were nice and long. I will be getting a lot of wear out of this one. For those interested, I do think it's worth noting that this is the only item I have received in all three fixes that was not made in the US or Canada (it is from China). Even the other item from Pomelo was made in the US. Status: Kept!
5) Vanessa Mooney Davenport Teardrop Nugget Earrings ($42)
These earrings were not my style at all. They were way too big for me, about the length of my thumb. Even if they had been my style, I would not have paid $42 for them. After receiving these I decided to change my profile to reflect that I didn't want to be sent any more earrings. I just don't like earrings enough to pay Stitch Fix prices for them. Status: Returned
Overall, I am very happy I did another Stitch Fix. I was a bit disappointed with the change in stylist, because it felt like a less personal experience this time. But I still got some great choices of clothing and was able to try out some ankle jeans, which I would never have considered in the store. I will plan on doing another fix, probably in the early summer.
Check out my previous fixes:
Stitch Fix 1
Stitch Fix 2
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
New Fertility Advance: Altering Mitochondria
This article is not directly surrogacy related, but it caught my eye when I was browsing the New York Times and I thought it was pretty fascinating. A doctor has successfully found a way for women with mitochondrial genetic mutations to avoid passing those genetic defects onto their children. The method involves combining the mother's egg with parts of a donor egg to leave out the mother's mitochondria. Therefore, the resulting embryo actually contains DNA from three people - the mother, the father, and an egg donor.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/18/sc...w&rref=science
Obviously, as with most scientific fertility advances, this discovery has caused lots of debate about the ethics/morality. This procedure has not been approved for clinical trials at this point, but even if it is I'm not sure how many practical applications it will ever have. It seems that if nothing else, the cost would probably be prohibitive for most people.
Regardless of where you come down on the ethics of the issue, I find it amazing how many things they are able to do with science these days.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/18/sc...w&rref=science
Obviously, as with most scientific fertility advances, this discovery has caused lots of debate about the ethics/morality. This procedure has not been approved for clinical trials at this point, but even if it is I'm not sure how many practical applications it will ever have. It seems that if nothing else, the cost would probably be prohibitive for most people.
Regardless of where you come down on the ethics of the issue, I find it amazing how many things they are able to do with science these days.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Push for the Legality of Surrogacy in New York
I saw this cute article and had to share. Currently, compensated surrogacy is illegal in New York, which equates it with baby selling. Now, support is growing to change the laws, primarily because of surrogacy's increasing popularity with gay couples as a way to build a family. It's nice to see surrogacy positively portrayed in the media from time to time.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/20/fashion/In-New-York-Some-Couples-Push-for-Legalization-of-Compensated-Surrogacy.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/20/fashion/In-New-York-Some-Couples-Push-for-Legalization-of-Compensated-Surrogacy.html
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Stitch Fix Review #2
I know that fashion has nothing to do with surrogacy, but my first Stitch Fix review post had the second most views of my entire blog (right behind the babies' birth announcement). So I figured I'd update with the results of my second fix!
Wondering what the heck I'm talking about? You can see the review of my first fix, with a complete description of Stitch Fix here.
I counted down the days until my package arrived, and once I received the shipping notification I stalked FedEx's website until I saw it was waiting at my door for me. The package arrived a little beat up (apparently FedEx does not have the same reverence for Stitch Fix as I do), but inside everything was packaged perfectly.
I opened my note from my stylist, Laurie. I loved her styling so much last month that I requested her again, so I was super excited to see her name on my note. She is the best! I could tell she really reviewed all my feedback last time and took the time to really focus on things that would work well for me. Then she explained why she chose them for me, and she not only told me how they could be combined together, but also which pieces would go well with the items I kept from my last fix! I love the attention to detail. I thought about not sharing her name for fear that too many other people would start requesting her and she would be too busy for me next time around, but I figured she deserved a shout out!
Then I checked out my items. I was so happy to see a box full of COLOR! Here's what I got (by the way, I apologize for the bleary eyes and bad lighting - it was after 9:00 pm and I had to force my husband away from the Olympics to snap a few pictures):
1) 41Hawthorn Rowson Colorblock Striped Sweater ($58)
From reviewing way too many other Stitch Fix reviews, I had seen this sweater several times in several different colors. I liked it on other people, so I specifically asked for it in my fix. I was so excited to see it in there, and in yellow - my favorite color! Once I put it on, though, I was underwhelmed. There wasn't really anything wrong with it, but it just wasn't super flattering. I didn't think the shade of yellow went that great with my hair color, and it was a little baggier in the midsection than I generally like. If it had been $20 I probably would have kept it. But at $58, I would have really had to love it. Status: Returned
2) 19 Cooper Clemency Diamond Print Tab-Sleeve Tunic ($68)
The piece I was most excited to try on in my fix. I loved the print, and I had requested a tunic style top. Once I put it on, I really wanted to love it, but it didn't do that much for me. I tried it with and without a belt, and with and without a cami underneath, and I just couldn't get myself to love it on my body. Then I looked at the tag and saw it was dry clean only. That was the nail in the coffin - back in the box it went. Status: Returned
3) 41Hawthorn Milano Twist-Front Crew Neck Knit Top ($68)
I wasn't super excited about this top pulling it out of the box, since it was just plain black. But once I put it on, it was very flattering. You can't see it all that well in this picture, but I thought the twist in the top helped give the shirt some interest and helped enhance my not-so-big bust. I liked the length and the sleeves were long enough, which is hard for me to find. Score! Status: Kept!
4) Margaret M Kayla Skinny Jean ($98) - also pictured above
Red Jeans! I loved the color, and I have no colored jeans. Once I tried them on though, I was a bit disappointed. First, they were super stretchy, almost more of a jegging than an actual jean. The "pockets" were fake, and they were a tiny bit too short for me. They did look good with the high boots and longer top. But I'm just not willing to cough up almost $100 for jeggings that aren't even a perfect fit. I did really love the color though, I am going to be on the look out for some red jeans. Status: Returned
5) 41Hawthorn Amelia Multi Chevron Stripe Scarf ($32)
This was the only thing in my fix that I did not like at first sight. I really like chevron print things, but I found the colors on this scarf to be very childish. Then I took it out of the package, and discovered it was one of the softest scarves I have ever felt. Once I tried it on, it definitely grew on me. As my stylist pointed out, it would go with the purple dolman top I kept from my last fix, but I didn't really see it going with too much more than that in my closet. Plus, it was dry clean only. Dry clean a scarf? No way. If this had been under $20, I might have kept it for the softness alone, but this one went back to Stitch Fix as well. Status: Returned
Even though I only ended up keeping one item this time, I still LOVED my fix! It is just so fun to get a package in the mail full of goodies picked out just for you by someone who knows what they're doing. I think my stylist did a great job, and I would have kept a couple more if they had fit me better. But I was on a bit of a budget this month and I told myself I would only keep something if it was perfect, so the Twist-Front top is the only one that found its way into my closet. The cost was $68 which was more than I normally want to spend, but I had already paid $20 for the styling fee which got credited toward my purchase, and I had another $25 referral credit, so it only ended up being $23 - not bad at all! And now I have more money to save for my next fix!
Want to try Stitch Fix yourself? Check it out here! Please note: I do not get anything from Stitch Fix to write these reviews, but if you use my referral link to sign up for your first fix I will get a $25 credit toward a future purchase.
Wondering what the heck I'm talking about? You can see the review of my first fix, with a complete description of Stitch Fix here.
I counted down the days until my package arrived, and once I received the shipping notification I stalked FedEx's website until I saw it was waiting at my door for me. The package arrived a little beat up (apparently FedEx does not have the same reverence for Stitch Fix as I do), but inside everything was packaged perfectly.
I opened my note from my stylist, Laurie. I loved her styling so much last month that I requested her again, so I was super excited to see her name on my note. She is the best! I could tell she really reviewed all my feedback last time and took the time to really focus on things that would work well for me. Then she explained why she chose them for me, and she not only told me how they could be combined together, but also which pieces would go well with the items I kept from my last fix! I love the attention to detail. I thought about not sharing her name for fear that too many other people would start requesting her and she would be too busy for me next time around, but I figured she deserved a shout out!
Then I checked out my items. I was so happy to see a box full of COLOR! Here's what I got (by the way, I apologize for the bleary eyes and bad lighting - it was after 9:00 pm and I had to force my husband away from the Olympics to snap a few pictures):
1) 41Hawthorn Rowson Colorblock Striped Sweater ($58)
From reviewing way too many other Stitch Fix reviews, I had seen this sweater several times in several different colors. I liked it on other people, so I specifically asked for it in my fix. I was so excited to see it in there, and in yellow - my favorite color! Once I put it on, though, I was underwhelmed. There wasn't really anything wrong with it, but it just wasn't super flattering. I didn't think the shade of yellow went that great with my hair color, and it was a little baggier in the midsection than I generally like. If it had been $20 I probably would have kept it. But at $58, I would have really had to love it. Status: Returned
2) 19 Cooper Clemency Diamond Print Tab-Sleeve Tunic ($68)
The piece I was most excited to try on in my fix. I loved the print, and I had requested a tunic style top. Once I put it on, I really wanted to love it, but it didn't do that much for me. I tried it with and without a belt, and with and without a cami underneath, and I just couldn't get myself to love it on my body. Then I looked at the tag and saw it was dry clean only. That was the nail in the coffin - back in the box it went. Status: Returned
3) 41Hawthorn Milano Twist-Front Crew Neck Knit Top ($68)
I wasn't super excited about this top pulling it out of the box, since it was just plain black. But once I put it on, it was very flattering. You can't see it all that well in this picture, but I thought the twist in the top helped give the shirt some interest and helped enhance my not-so-big bust. I liked the length and the sleeves were long enough, which is hard for me to find. Score! Status: Kept!
4) Margaret M Kayla Skinny Jean ($98) - also pictured above
Red Jeans! I loved the color, and I have no colored jeans. Once I tried them on though, I was a bit disappointed. First, they were super stretchy, almost more of a jegging than an actual jean. The "pockets" were fake, and they were a tiny bit too short for me. They did look good with the high boots and longer top. But I'm just not willing to cough up almost $100 for jeggings that aren't even a perfect fit. I did really love the color though, I am going to be on the look out for some red jeans. Status: Returned
5) 41Hawthorn Amelia Multi Chevron Stripe Scarf ($32)
This was the only thing in my fix that I did not like at first sight. I really like chevron print things, but I found the colors on this scarf to be very childish. Then I took it out of the package, and discovered it was one of the softest scarves I have ever felt. Once I tried it on, it definitely grew on me. As my stylist pointed out, it would go with the purple dolman top I kept from my last fix, but I didn't really see it going with too much more than that in my closet. Plus, it was dry clean only. Dry clean a scarf? No way. If this had been under $20, I might have kept it for the softness alone, but this one went back to Stitch Fix as well. Status: Returned
Even though I only ended up keeping one item this time, I still LOVED my fix! It is just so fun to get a package in the mail full of goodies picked out just for you by someone who knows what they're doing. I think my stylist did a great job, and I would have kept a couple more if they had fit me better. But I was on a bit of a budget this month and I told myself I would only keep something if it was perfect, so the Twist-Front top is the only one that found its way into my closet. The cost was $68 which was more than I normally want to spend, but I had already paid $20 for the styling fee which got credited toward my purchase, and I had another $25 referral credit, so it only ended up being $23 - not bad at all! And now I have more money to save for my next fix!
Want to try Stitch Fix yourself? Check it out here! Please note: I do not get anything from Stitch Fix to write these reviews, but if you use my referral link to sign up for your first fix I will get a $25 credit toward a future purchase.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Ethics of Embryo Screening
I saw this article on the New York Times website today.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/04/health/ethics-questions-arise-as-genetic-testing-of-embryos-increases.html?hp
The article is not related to surrogacy, but does deal with IVF in general. My IPs did not choose to PGD test their embryos, but I know that many IPs do. After hanging around in the surrogacy world for the last couple of years, I have heard of many people, even without known genetic issues, to screen all their embryos for various common diseases and abnormalities (such as trisomies) to be sure they are only transferring embryos that will result in healthy children. I've also heard of people using PGD to determine the sex of the embryos and decide which to transfer based on that information.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/04/health/ethics-questions-arise-as-genetic-testing-of-embryos-increases.html?hp
The article is not related to surrogacy, but does deal with IVF in general. My IPs did not choose to PGD test their embryos, but I know that many IPs do. After hanging around in the surrogacy world for the last couple of years, I have heard of many people, even without known genetic issues, to screen all their embryos for various common diseases and abnormalities (such as trisomies) to be sure they are only transferring embryos that will result in healthy children. I've also heard of people using PGD to determine the sex of the embryos and decide which to transfer based on that information.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Happy Half Birthday!
I can't believe the twins are six months old today! The last half year has flown by so fast.
I received a few pictures of L & O a few days ago and it made my whole week! They are such handsome little dudes. That level of cuteness should not even be allowed. I wish I could show them off on my blog, but their parents value their privacy and I'm honoring their wishes.
As I predicted, my contact with my IPs has been very little over the last several months. They have made it pretty clear that they do not want an active relationship with me and my family. At first this made me sad, but I completely respect their decision. It has just taken me some time to get used to going from being very involved in each others' lives to almost nothing. The only thing I had requested on my agency's profile when matching was occasional pictures and updates, so it makes me happy that so far my IPs have chosen to honor that request. From here on out I'm just going to stay in the background and let them take the lead on how much communication they want to have with me.
I wasn't sure how I would feel about my experience in the months following delivery. I'm glad to say that I don't feel sad or miss the babies. I do think about them from time to time, and wonder how big they are now and what milestones they are hitting. I think my first journey was a good learning experience going into my next journey whenever that comes along. I'm not interested in forcing a relationship with my next IPs that might uncomfortable, but I plan to be a little pickier and work with someone with whom the relationship just forms naturally, and hopefully leads to a less awkward post-birth contact situation. I'm not expecting to be actively involved in the lives of any future surrobabies, that would just be icing on the cake. But it would be nice to be able to send a text or email occasionally without feeling like I am bothering them.
I received a few pictures of L & O a few days ago and it made my whole week! They are such handsome little dudes. That level of cuteness should not even be allowed. I wish I could show them off on my blog, but their parents value their privacy and I'm honoring their wishes.
As I predicted, my contact with my IPs has been very little over the last several months. They have made it pretty clear that they do not want an active relationship with me and my family. At first this made me sad, but I completely respect their decision. It has just taken me some time to get used to going from being very involved in each others' lives to almost nothing. The only thing I had requested on my agency's profile when matching was occasional pictures and updates, so it makes me happy that so far my IPs have chosen to honor that request. From here on out I'm just going to stay in the background and let them take the lead on how much communication they want to have with me.
I wasn't sure how I would feel about my experience in the months following delivery. I'm glad to say that I don't feel sad or miss the babies. I do think about them from time to time, and wonder how big they are now and what milestones they are hitting. I think my first journey was a good learning experience going into my next journey whenever that comes along. I'm not interested in forcing a relationship with my next IPs that might uncomfortable, but I plan to be a little pickier and work with someone with whom the relationship just forms naturally, and hopefully leads to a less awkward post-birth contact situation. I'm not expecting to be actively involved in the lives of any future surrobabies, that would just be icing on the cake. But it would be nice to be able to send a text or email occasionally without feeling like I am bothering them.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Breeders: A Subclass of Women?
http://www.cbc-network.org/2014/01/our-new-film/
"Breeders: A Subclass of Women? shares the stories of four women, and the unexpected consequences and heart-wrenching emotions as they are deprived of their maternal identity and personal autonomy in compensated service to people of greater means."
Sounds like they managed to find four women out of the countless surrogates who had unexpected emotional issues. Makes me wonder if they sought out people who failed to go through the proper channels to do surrogacy, with medical and psychological screening, as well as an attorney-prepared and reviewed contract.
Also, it's interesting to know that I am part of a "distinct class of commercial provider."
Luckily, it looks like this piece of garbage will not actually be on TV, but if you are interested, "Viewings are scheduled throughout 2014 in numerous locations. Check the schedule at breeders.cbc-network.org for a screening location near you."
"Breeders: A Subclass of Women? shares the stories of four women, and the unexpected consequences and heart-wrenching emotions as they are deprived of their maternal identity and personal autonomy in compensated service to people of greater means."
Sounds like they managed to find four women out of the countless surrogates who had unexpected emotional issues. Makes me wonder if they sought out people who failed to go through the proper channels to do surrogacy, with medical and psychological screening, as well as an attorney-prepared and reviewed contract.
Also, it's interesting to know that I am part of a "distinct class of commercial provider."
Luckily, it looks like this piece of garbage will not actually be on TV, but if you are interested, "Viewings are scheduled throughout 2014 in numerous locations. Check the schedule at breeders.cbc-network.org for a screening location near you."
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Got My Stitch Fix!
A while ago I posted on there that I had signed up for Stitch Fix, and I'm happy to say I got my first box! I thought I'd give a little review of my experience and the clothes I got.
For those who don't know, Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service. You sign up for free and fill out a style profile. The profile focuses on your sizes, what types of clothes you normally wear (business, casual, fancy, etc.) and what type of style you like (preppy, bohemian, edgy, etc) - it also has pictures of different outfits that you can rate, if, like me, you don't know what any of those words mean. You can tell them what colors and prints you like to avoid, what parts of your body you like to flaunt or hide, if there are any items you would like to skip (get all your jeans at a particular store? Don't waste your stitch fix on pants you won't buy). Once you have filled out your profile, you can order your first fix. For each fix, you pay $20 for the stylist's time, but if you buy something the $20 is credited toward your purchase. Then you wait with bated breath for your package to arrive so you can see what 5 things they sent you to try! You get 3 days to try them on in the comfort of your own home in combination with the things that are already in your closet. Whatever you want to keep, you buy, and whatever you don't want to keep, you send back in the enclosed prepaid envelope.
My first thought when I got my box was that these clothes were expensive. Now, to be fair, I'm pretty cheap when it comes to shopping. The idea of spending more than $30 on just about anything makes me cringe. But I realize that in this case you are paying for 1) The stylist's time to pick things out for you, 2) shipping the packages both ways, 3) the convenience of getting to try everything on at your pace in your own bedroom, and 4) the excited Christmas morning feeling you get at receiving a package of surprise goodies. Plus, everything I ended up keeping was made in the USA.
For each order, you can tell them if there is anything in particular you would like them to send you. This can be a request for a specific item you saw on their blog or something general like clothes to wear on vacation or to the office. For this box, I told them I was looking for items that would be equally appropriate for my business casual office setting or a date night. I was also looking for outfits that would go well with knee high boots for winter time. Here's what I got!
This picture is a 2 for 1: Just Black Adora Skinny Jean ($88) and 41Hawthorn Queensland Dolman Jersey Top ($48)
These were the first two items I tried on. I was excited but nervous to see a pair of skinny jeans, because it's hard for me to ever find jeans that fit. They either have too much or not enough room for my thighs, and I am usually too tall for the regular length jeans and too short for the long length. I was worried that these would not fit, but I think my stylist might have snuck into my house and taken my measurements while I was sleeping...they were a perfect fit! If anything they were a little too long, which is great because if they shrink a little in the wash they will still be long enough. Even though these jeans are pretty pricey, when I find jeans that fit I will pay whatever they cost...I would have bought them if they were $188. (Just kidding...don't get any ideas, Stitch Fix.)
You can't really tell from the picture, but the top is a deep purple...very pretty. It's also extremely soft, and surprisingly warm for being so lightweight. I wasn't sure if I was going to like the sleeves, but once I put it on I was sold. I liked that it was flowy at the top and still tighter around my hips. This is something I never would have tried on in the store, so I'm glad that Stitch Fix sent it to me. My husband loved the outfit as well, so both the top and the jeans were an instant yes for me.
Next up, Sweet Rain Beth French Terry Striped Dress ($48):
When I pulled this one out of the box, it seemed sort of shapeless and I thought it would be super baggy on me. Turns out I had just the opposite problem. It was almost too tight. My husband really liked it on me, but I wasn't sold. I tried dressing it up with jewelry, a belt, and leggings to see if it grew on me, but I thought it hugged me a little too tight on the bottom and made me look too hippy. Also, the sleeves were a little too short, and I thought that it might be a too short to be work appropriate - it hit about 3 or 4 inches above the knee. I figured if I wanted everything else in the box, I would keep this one too (you get 25% off the whole box if you keep everything, so it's usually a better deal to get all 5 things than just 4), but I wasn't in love.
41Hawthorn Rockwell Sleeveless Fit & Flare Dress ($78)
This one was just kind of "meh" for me. It was sort of plain, and didn't really flatter me that well. My husband wasn't thrilled with it either. Plus it was really expensive. I didn't even bother trying to accessorize this one, it went straight back into the box.
41Hawthorn Toulouse Collared Wrap Dress ($68)
I really liked this dress when I pulled it out of the box. It is a wrap dress. I liked the navy color and the cut, and it looked like it would be great for work. After it took me a good 5 minutes to figure out how to put it on, I wasn't sure it was that flattering on me. I felt like the top might be a little too baggy. My husband liked it. I ended up wearing it around the house for a few hours (one of the perks of Stitch Fix!) to see how I felt in it. As I wore it more, it really grew on me. I liked that I could wrap it tight to accentuate my waist, and that it was long enough to hit me at the knee. I felt like it would be a good option for work. Plus, I discovered it had pockets! I'm not sure why that was so exciting for me, but there's just something extra fun about a dress with pockets. In the end, I decided to keep it.
In addition to the 5 items, I received a note from my stylist, which explained why she picked each item for me. I really liked that touch, and I could tell the stylist really took everything I put in my style profile into consideration. I also got a style card for each item, which gives you some ideas about how to style each outfit to dress it up or down. Really nice touch, and helpful for someone like me!
Overall, I was thrilled with my first fix. I had been reading some other reviews (they link to lots on their website), and had read that the first fix is often a miss. So I was excited that three out of the five items worked so well! I kept the jeans, the top, and the wrap dress. The price was more than I normally would have spent, but I had already paid $20 for the styling fee which I could use toward my purchase, I got a $25 credit from someone signing up for their fix through my link (thank you!) and I had some Christmas cash burning a hole in my pocket so I didn't mind. I logged in and left detailed feedback on my fix, and I will definitely be ordering another one soon!
I was not paid or even asked by Stitch Fix to post this review, and I don't get anything for doing so. But if you would like to sign up for Stitch Fix yourself, I would be grateful if you would do so via my link so I can get a credit toward a future purchase (once you sign up you will get your own referral credit link to share with others). Happy shopping!
For those who don't know, Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service. You sign up for free and fill out a style profile. The profile focuses on your sizes, what types of clothes you normally wear (business, casual, fancy, etc.) and what type of style you like (preppy, bohemian, edgy, etc) - it also has pictures of different outfits that you can rate, if, like me, you don't know what any of those words mean. You can tell them what colors and prints you like to avoid, what parts of your body you like to flaunt or hide, if there are any items you would like to skip (get all your jeans at a particular store? Don't waste your stitch fix on pants you won't buy). Once you have filled out your profile, you can order your first fix. For each fix, you pay $20 for the stylist's time, but if you buy something the $20 is credited toward your purchase. Then you wait with bated breath for your package to arrive so you can see what 5 things they sent you to try! You get 3 days to try them on in the comfort of your own home in combination with the things that are already in your closet. Whatever you want to keep, you buy, and whatever you don't want to keep, you send back in the enclosed prepaid envelope.
My first thought when I got my box was that these clothes were expensive. Now, to be fair, I'm pretty cheap when it comes to shopping. The idea of spending more than $30 on just about anything makes me cringe. But I realize that in this case you are paying for 1) The stylist's time to pick things out for you, 2) shipping the packages both ways, 3) the convenience of getting to try everything on at your pace in your own bedroom, and 4) the excited Christmas morning feeling you get at receiving a package of surprise goodies. Plus, everything I ended up keeping was made in the USA.
For each order, you can tell them if there is anything in particular you would like them to send you. This can be a request for a specific item you saw on their blog or something general like clothes to wear on vacation or to the office. For this box, I told them I was looking for items that would be equally appropriate for my business casual office setting or a date night. I was also looking for outfits that would go well with knee high boots for winter time. Here's what I got!
This picture is a 2 for 1: Just Black Adora Skinny Jean ($88) and 41Hawthorn Queensland Dolman Jersey Top ($48)
These were the first two items I tried on. I was excited but nervous to see a pair of skinny jeans, because it's hard for me to ever find jeans that fit. They either have too much or not enough room for my thighs, and I am usually too tall for the regular length jeans and too short for the long length. I was worried that these would not fit, but I think my stylist might have snuck into my house and taken my measurements while I was sleeping...they were a perfect fit! If anything they were a little too long, which is great because if they shrink a little in the wash they will still be long enough. Even though these jeans are pretty pricey, when I find jeans that fit I will pay whatever they cost...I would have bought them if they were $188. (Just kidding...don't get any ideas, Stitch Fix.)
You can't really tell from the picture, but the top is a deep purple...very pretty. It's also extremely soft, and surprisingly warm for being so lightweight. I wasn't sure if I was going to like the sleeves, but once I put it on I was sold. I liked that it was flowy at the top and still tighter around my hips. This is something I never would have tried on in the store, so I'm glad that Stitch Fix sent it to me. My husband loved the outfit as well, so both the top and the jeans were an instant yes for me.
Next up, Sweet Rain Beth French Terry Striped Dress ($48):
41Hawthorn Rockwell Sleeveless Fit & Flare Dress ($78)
41Hawthorn Toulouse Collared Wrap Dress ($68)
I really liked this dress when I pulled it out of the box. It is a wrap dress. I liked the navy color and the cut, and it looked like it would be great for work. After it took me a good 5 minutes to figure out how to put it on, I wasn't sure it was that flattering on me. I felt like the top might be a little too baggy. My husband liked it. I ended up wearing it around the house for a few hours (one of the perks of Stitch Fix!) to see how I felt in it. As I wore it more, it really grew on me. I liked that I could wrap it tight to accentuate my waist, and that it was long enough to hit me at the knee. I felt like it would be a good option for work. Plus, I discovered it had pockets! I'm not sure why that was so exciting for me, but there's just something extra fun about a dress with pockets. In the end, I decided to keep it.
In addition to the 5 items, I received a note from my stylist, which explained why she picked each item for me. I really liked that touch, and I could tell the stylist really took everything I put in my style profile into consideration. I also got a style card for each item, which gives you some ideas about how to style each outfit to dress it up or down. Really nice touch, and helpful for someone like me!
I was not paid or even asked by Stitch Fix to post this review, and I don't get anything for doing so. But if you would like to sign up for Stitch Fix yourself, I would be grateful if you would do so via my link so I can get a credit toward a future purchase (once you sign up you will get your own referral credit link to share with others). Happy shopping!
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Share Your Blog!
When I was first researching and beginning my surro journey, I got really into finding and reading blogs to see what others were experiencing on their journeys. As I got farther into my own, I continued to follow the blogs that I found, but didn't keep adding new blogs. Now I have noticed that many of the blogs I feature along my sideline have become, like mine, fairly inactive after their owners completed their journeys.
I am looking to start following new journeys and share them on my blog, so that newbies who come here have some active links to follow! I know this blog is still viewed at least a few times a day (over 7000 views total now, wow!)
Do you have a blog that you would like me to follow and feature? If so, post the link here!
Hope everyone is having a safe and enjoyable holiday season!
I am looking to start following new journeys and share them on my blog, so that newbies who come here have some active links to follow! I know this blog is still viewed at least a few times a day (over 7000 views total now, wow!)
Do you have a blog that you would like me to follow and feature? If so, post the link here!
Hope everyone is having a safe and enjoyable holiday season!
Friday, November 22, 2013
Is it Hard to "Give Up" the Baby?
I know this is a question lots of people have about surrogacy. I got this question several times, and it was my mother's main concern when I told her I was going to do surrogacy. It's also, I'm sure, a very real worry that many potential IPs have when going into this process.
Here is a short article I found, written by a former surrogate to potential IPs who may be worried that their surrogate will want to keep their baby, or at least have a very hard time giving it up once it's born. I really liked this article because the way she felt is the same as the way I felt, only written more succintly than I would have done it.
http://www.donorconcierge.com/is-it-hard-for-a-surrogate-to-give-the-baby-up-by-pamela-macphee/
Paragraph 6 ("Here's the key...") was me 100%. That's exactly what I wanted out of my surrogacy journey, and probably part of the reason I didn't feel fulfilled once it was over. I was hoping to be able to bask in the glow of my IPs' joy, and I didn't really feel like I was able to do that.
Here's to hoping next time turns out better!
Here is a short article I found, written by a former surrogate to potential IPs who may be worried that their surrogate will want to keep their baby, or at least have a very hard time giving it up once it's born. I really liked this article because the way she felt is the same as the way I felt, only written more succintly than I would have done it.
http://www.donorconcierge.com/is-it-hard-for-a-surrogate-to-give-the-baby-up-by-pamela-macphee/
Paragraph 6 ("Here's the key...") was me 100%. That's exactly what I wanted out of my surrogacy journey, and probably part of the reason I didn't feel fulfilled once it was over. I was hoping to be able to bask in the glow of my IPs' joy, and I didn't really feel like I was able to do that.
Here's to hoping next time turns out better!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Losing Weight and Feeling Great!
It has been 3.5 months since I had the twins, and I feel that my body is now almost back to normal. I still have another pound to go to hit my pre-pregnancy weight. Man they weren't lying when they said those last 5 pounds were hard to lose after the second pregnancy. I don't know if it was the fact that it was twins, the fact that I'm now over 30, the fact that I didn't breastfeed this time, or just the fact that it was the second pregnancy, but even though I had a lot less weight to lose this time, it's taken a lot longer to do it. But I've been exercising and doing some ab work, and I am finally starting to get to the point where I'm looking in the mirror and liking what I see again.
I recently realized that after spending so much time the last three years either pregnant or planning to be pregnant, my "skinny" wardrobe has been woefully neglected. Even though I feel like I look good again, a lot of my clothes make me feel out of style, and frumpy, or just plain boring. I have tried looking in some stores for cute stuff, but since I generally hate shopping, these trips are painful for me.
So I was super excited when I discovered Stitch Fix! It is an online personal styling service. You sign up and fill out a "style profile." This is where you tell them what styles of clothes you normally like, and if you are a dummy like me who doesn't even know what your style is called, they also show a bunch of pictures of outfits and ask you if you like that style. You can tell them what kind of clothes you need for your lifestyle (business wear? casual? date night?), how much you want to spend, what colors/patters/materials you want to avoid, which parts of your body you like to flaunt, and which you prefer to hide, etc. Then they send you a box of five items - tops, pants, dresses, accessories, etc. - they think you would like. You can try them on at home. You pay for what you want, and return the rest for free with feedback on what you liked/didn't and why, so the next time they have a better idea of what you would like. I paid $20 for the stylist's time, but that is applied as credit toward whatever I decide to keep once I get my box. For each box, you can tell them if there is anything specific you are looking for in that particular shipment. For example, I said that I was looking for winter clothes that could I could wear in my business casual workplace as well as out for a girls night or date night. I also told them I just bought a pair of boots and am looking for something to help show them off. I should be getting my box in about 6 weeks, and I'm excited to see what they send me! Sound fun? Here is the link if you would like to check it out: http://stitchfix.com/sign_up?referrer_id=3295725.
Please note, I do not work for Stitch Fix, nor do I get paid to post this. It's just something I found that I was excited about, and thought other surros (or random readers) might have the same clothes problems and needs as me. However, if you use my link and sign up for a Stitch Fix box of your own, I do get a $25 credit toward my order. So, if you want to sign up, I would love it if you would use my link to do so!
Anyway, I don't really have much going on that is surro-related these days that is actually reportable, although I think I have developed a bit of a pregnancy/surrogacy addiction and I still want to stay active in the community. (Do I browse the classified ads on Surrogate Mothers Online? Yes. Do I keep a count down of how much longer until I can get pregnant again? Yes - 8.5 months). So I might stop by from time to time and post something that is mildly surrogacy, or at least pregnancy, related. Hope all my blog friends are doing well!
I recently realized that after spending so much time the last three years either pregnant or planning to be pregnant, my "skinny" wardrobe has been woefully neglected. Even though I feel like I look good again, a lot of my clothes make me feel out of style, and frumpy, or just plain boring. I have tried looking in some stores for cute stuff, but since I generally hate shopping, these trips are painful for me.
So I was super excited when I discovered Stitch Fix! It is an online personal styling service. You sign up and fill out a "style profile." This is where you tell them what styles of clothes you normally like, and if you are a dummy like me who doesn't even know what your style is called, they also show a bunch of pictures of outfits and ask you if you like that style. You can tell them what kind of clothes you need for your lifestyle (business wear? casual? date night?), how much you want to spend, what colors/patters/materials you want to avoid, which parts of your body you like to flaunt, and which you prefer to hide, etc. Then they send you a box of five items - tops, pants, dresses, accessories, etc. - they think you would like. You can try them on at home. You pay for what you want, and return the rest for free with feedback on what you liked/didn't and why, so the next time they have a better idea of what you would like. I paid $20 for the stylist's time, but that is applied as credit toward whatever I decide to keep once I get my box. For each box, you can tell them if there is anything specific you are looking for in that particular shipment. For example, I said that I was looking for winter clothes that could I could wear in my business casual workplace as well as out for a girls night or date night. I also told them I just bought a pair of boots and am looking for something to help show them off. I should be getting my box in about 6 weeks, and I'm excited to see what they send me! Sound fun? Here is the link if you would like to check it out: http://stitchfix.com/sign_up?referrer_id=3295725.
Please note, I do not work for Stitch Fix, nor do I get paid to post this. It's just something I found that I was excited about, and thought other surros (or random readers) might have the same clothes problems and needs as me. However, if you use my link and sign up for a Stitch Fix box of your own, I do get a $25 credit toward my order. So, if you want to sign up, I would love it if you would use my link to do so!
Anyway, I don't really have much going on that is surro-related these days that is actually reportable, although I think I have developed a bit of a pregnancy/surrogacy addiction and I still want to stay active in the community. (Do I browse the classified ads on Surrogate Mothers Online? Yes. Do I keep a count down of how much longer until I can get pregnant again? Yes - 8.5 months). So I might stop by from time to time and post something that is mildly surrogacy, or at least pregnancy, related. Hope all my blog friends are doing well!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Choosing IPs
In response to my last post, someone commented with a question. I'm going to answer it here, because I think it's a good one:
When you state your requirements for the type of IPs you are prepared to work with, are you allowed to say you'd like IPs who would welcome the chance to get to know you and be a big part of the pregnancy?
The short answer is yes. When choosing the IPs, you can be as picky as you want. You are, after all, helping them voluntarily. You are sacrificing your body, risking your fertility and health, and donating a year or longer to the shared goal of making them parents. So you have a right to choose the IPs that you are most comfortable working with.
There are many things that people care about. Some of the most common I've seen are: location, family structure (individual v. gay couple v. traditional couple, how many current children, etc.), religion, age, how many embryos they want to transfer, whether they are using their own genetics v. donated eggs, level of communication during and after pregnancy, and "hot button" issues like whether they would want to reduce higher order multiples or terminate pregnancy for certain reasons.
For example, I will tell you what my requirements were for IPs when matching: I wanted a couple in a long-term committed relationship (gay or straight). I wanted them to be located close enough to me to be able to attend important appointments and be there for the birth. And I wanted to feel like I was part of a "team" with my IPs - I did not want to be treated like I was their employee or a uterus for hire. I was not interested in manufacturing or forcing a friendship. If it happened naturally, great, if not, that's OK too. I also didn't have many requirements for contact after birth, although I asked to receive occasional pictures and updates of the babies.
If, as a surrogate, you want to have a friendship with your IPs and have regular communication after the birth, that is something you can ask for. However, it's not something you will necessarily get. For example, when my IPs were telling the agency what they wanted, they told them they wanted regular communication with their surrogate both during the pregnancy and after the birth, including skyping and visits. In reality, they did not want to do these things. I will never know if it was something they lied about intentionally from the beginning because they were saying what they thought potential surrogates would like to hear, if they changed their minds during the process, or if they simply didn't feel enough of a connection with me personally to want to do that. Luckily, close friendship was something I was not counting on, or I could have ended up very devastated by the way things turned out.
I don't say this to condemn my IPs, I really am fine with the way things turned out. I had some frustration along the way, but it was more to do with the difference in our communication styles rather than one of us doing something wrong. Were we the best match ever? Probably not. Were they everything I asked for? Yes, they met all the requirements I gave my agency. If I could go back in time would I still choose to work with them? Absolutely. Being able to give them their sons was a priceless experience, and they deserve all the happiness that parenthood brings. I am hopeful that occasionally in the future they will think of me and send me some pictures of the happy ending that I helped make possible.
My first surrogacy journey was a great experience, and it was also a learning experience. I have learned when things really matter to me, and which things aren't as important. If I do another journey, I will have a totally different list of requirements:
- I will work with any IPs, not just couples. Originally I thought it was important for children to have two parents, but being in the surrogacy community for a couple years now, I've seen that single IPs usually have a great support system of family and friends, and their children will have no shortage of love. I still would prefer to work with a couple over an individual, but I won't turn down an otherwise perfect IP because they happen to be single.
- I no longer care about location. Sure, having someone local or semi-local would be a definite perk, but there's no point in being close enough to go out to lunch if the parties involved aren't actually going to want to do it. The main reason I wanted IPs who lived close to me was so they could come to appointments and the birth. Well, my IPs who lived a 5 hour drive away did not make the birth. From belonging to the surrogate message boards, I know that IPs were able to travel across the country, and even across the world, and make it in time for the births of their children, because they planned well in advance. What's important to me is that the IPs have the ability and desire to attend transfer, big appointments, and birth, and are going to make it a priority.
-I am going to be much more picky about the relationship I have with my IPs. Going into the last journey, I didn't feel like it would be right to force a friendship on someone. I still think that's wrong. However, I have realized it's not about trying to be friends with the people you choose to work with, it's about choosing to work with people who it would be easy to be friends with. Next time I'm going to look for someone I have more of a natural connection with. Probably someone more "like me" -- maybe we share more common interests, are closer in age, have the same cultural background, or are in the same place in our lives. I want it to be easy for us to keep in touch, and care more about each other than just our progress through the pregnancy.
-Communication is HUGE. I know now that I need to find someone else who is a big emailer. I am much better at written communication (hence the blogging) than verbal communication, so most of the time I prefer email. And while I am happy to text, I feel that important things should be communicated by actually putting the phone to your ear and calling someone. Most of my frustrations with my IPs had to do with communication, and it is extremely important to me that communication is great on my next journey.
-Most importantly for me, and probably the thing that will make it the hardest for me to match again, is that going forward I will only do SETs (single embryo transfers). Carrying twins was easy for me, and we were lucky that we had no complications, bed rest, or extreme preterm delivery. However, there is not guarantee I would be that lucky again. Even with a perfectly healthy pregnancy, the monitoring that was involved was irritating at best - I think I probably had about 5 extra appointments and 8 extra ultrasounds, not to mention several internal ultrasounds, simply because it was twins. Also, I have now had a vaginal delivery and a c-section, and I can say with certainty that I never want to have a c-section again. There is never any guarantee that a c-section won't be necessary with any birth, but the rate of c-sections in twin deliveries is about 60%, way too high for my comfort level. Most IPs' doctors tell them that increasing the number of embryos transferred increases their odds of success, and some are even hoping for twins. I know now that these IPs will not be for me. I will only work with IPs who are looking for ONE healthy baby at a time.
So there it is, my list of requirements for my (possible) future surrogacy. If I do another one, it will not be for another couple years, so I have plenty of time to revise my wants and needs before the time actually comes.
When you state your requirements for the type of IPs you are prepared to work with, are you allowed to say you'd like IPs who would welcome the chance to get to know you and be a big part of the pregnancy?
The short answer is yes. When choosing the IPs, you can be as picky as you want. You are, after all, helping them voluntarily. You are sacrificing your body, risking your fertility and health, and donating a year or longer to the shared goal of making them parents. So you have a right to choose the IPs that you are most comfortable working with.
There are many things that people care about. Some of the most common I've seen are: location, family structure (individual v. gay couple v. traditional couple, how many current children, etc.), religion, age, how many embryos they want to transfer, whether they are using their own genetics v. donated eggs, level of communication during and after pregnancy, and "hot button" issues like whether they would want to reduce higher order multiples or terminate pregnancy for certain reasons.
For example, I will tell you what my requirements were for IPs when matching: I wanted a couple in a long-term committed relationship (gay or straight). I wanted them to be located close enough to me to be able to attend important appointments and be there for the birth. And I wanted to feel like I was part of a "team" with my IPs - I did not want to be treated like I was their employee or a uterus for hire. I was not interested in manufacturing or forcing a friendship. If it happened naturally, great, if not, that's OK too. I also didn't have many requirements for contact after birth, although I asked to receive occasional pictures and updates of the babies.
If, as a surrogate, you want to have a friendship with your IPs and have regular communication after the birth, that is something you can ask for. However, it's not something you will necessarily get. For example, when my IPs were telling the agency what they wanted, they told them they wanted regular communication with their surrogate both during the pregnancy and after the birth, including skyping and visits. In reality, they did not want to do these things. I will never know if it was something they lied about intentionally from the beginning because they were saying what they thought potential surrogates would like to hear, if they changed their minds during the process, or if they simply didn't feel enough of a connection with me personally to want to do that. Luckily, close friendship was something I was not counting on, or I could have ended up very devastated by the way things turned out.
I don't say this to condemn my IPs, I really am fine with the way things turned out. I had some frustration along the way, but it was more to do with the difference in our communication styles rather than one of us doing something wrong. Were we the best match ever? Probably not. Were they everything I asked for? Yes, they met all the requirements I gave my agency. If I could go back in time would I still choose to work with them? Absolutely. Being able to give them their sons was a priceless experience, and they deserve all the happiness that parenthood brings. I am hopeful that occasionally in the future they will think of me and send me some pictures of the happy ending that I helped make possible.
My first surrogacy journey was a great experience, and it was also a learning experience. I have learned when things really matter to me, and which things aren't as important. If I do another journey, I will have a totally different list of requirements:
- I will work with any IPs, not just couples. Originally I thought it was important for children to have two parents, but being in the surrogacy community for a couple years now, I've seen that single IPs usually have a great support system of family and friends, and their children will have no shortage of love. I still would prefer to work with a couple over an individual, but I won't turn down an otherwise perfect IP because they happen to be single.
- I no longer care about location. Sure, having someone local or semi-local would be a definite perk, but there's no point in being close enough to go out to lunch if the parties involved aren't actually going to want to do it. The main reason I wanted IPs who lived close to me was so they could come to appointments and the birth. Well, my IPs who lived a 5 hour drive away did not make the birth. From belonging to the surrogate message boards, I know that IPs were able to travel across the country, and even across the world, and make it in time for the births of their children, because they planned well in advance. What's important to me is that the IPs have the ability and desire to attend transfer, big appointments, and birth, and are going to make it a priority.
-I am going to be much more picky about the relationship I have with my IPs. Going into the last journey, I didn't feel like it would be right to force a friendship on someone. I still think that's wrong. However, I have realized it's not about trying to be friends with the people you choose to work with, it's about choosing to work with people who it would be easy to be friends with. Next time I'm going to look for someone I have more of a natural connection with. Probably someone more "like me" -- maybe we share more common interests, are closer in age, have the same cultural background, or are in the same place in our lives. I want it to be easy for us to keep in touch, and care more about each other than just our progress through the pregnancy.
-Communication is HUGE. I know now that I need to find someone else who is a big emailer. I am much better at written communication (hence the blogging) than verbal communication, so most of the time I prefer email. And while I am happy to text, I feel that important things should be communicated by actually putting the phone to your ear and calling someone. Most of my frustrations with my IPs had to do with communication, and it is extremely important to me that communication is great on my next journey.
-Most importantly for me, and probably the thing that will make it the hardest for me to match again, is that going forward I will only do SETs (single embryo transfers). Carrying twins was easy for me, and we were lucky that we had no complications, bed rest, or extreme preterm delivery. However, there is not guarantee I would be that lucky again. Even with a perfectly healthy pregnancy, the monitoring that was involved was irritating at best - I think I probably had about 5 extra appointments and 8 extra ultrasounds, not to mention several internal ultrasounds, simply because it was twins. Also, I have now had a vaginal delivery and a c-section, and I can say with certainty that I never want to have a c-section again. There is never any guarantee that a c-section won't be necessary with any birth, but the rate of c-sections in twin deliveries is about 60%, way too high for my comfort level. Most IPs' doctors tell them that increasing the number of embryos transferred increases their odds of success, and some are even hoping for twins. I know now that these IPs will not be for me. I will only work with IPs who are looking for ONE healthy baby at a time.
So there it is, my list of requirements for my (possible) future surrogacy. If I do another one, it will not be for another couple years, so I have plenty of time to revise my wants and needs before the time actually comes.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Looking Back
My surrogate journey ended almost two months ago now, and I feel like I can now go back and take a look at my journey from a "big picture" perspective.
I was terrified when I found out that I was carrying twins. I was afraid of how it would affect my family and my job. What if I was put on bed rest for weeks or months? How would my family get by without me? Would it make my employers upset to have me out for so long? I was also afraid for the babies. The risk of complications is so much higher with twins, and (don't quote me but I read this somewhere) about 50% are born prematurely and spend at least some time in NICU. My IPs had already been through so much, and my job was to carry their babies until they were big and healthy enough to meet them. What if I failed to do that?
But we got lucky. I was able to work up until the day I went into labor, and both babies were born healthy enough to go home with their parents two days later. My c-section went smoothly, and I had no complications. I didn't experience any distress over separating with the babies, and I didn't have any baby blues in the days and weeks following delivery. Within two weeks of delivering, I was feeling back to my old self.
I was terrified when I found out that I was carrying twins. I was afraid of how it would affect my family and my job. What if I was put on bed rest for weeks or months? How would my family get by without me? Would it make my employers upset to have me out for so long? I was also afraid for the babies. The risk of complications is so much higher with twins, and (don't quote me but I read this somewhere) about 50% are born prematurely and spend at least some time in NICU. My IPs had already been through so much, and my job was to carry their babies until they were big and healthy enough to meet them. What if I failed to do that?
But we got lucky. I was able to work up until the day I went into labor, and both babies were born healthy enough to go home with their parents two days later. My c-section went smoothly, and I had no complications. I didn't experience any distress over separating with the babies, and I didn't have any baby blues in the days and weeks following delivery. Within two weeks of delivering, I was feeling back to my old self.
So why is it that when I look back over my surrogacy experience as a whole, I feel kind of, "eh"? At the beginning of my journey I was so excited and eager. I already felt pride in what I was about to do, and I felt like maybe this was the reason I was put on the planet...to help another couple achieve the gift of parenthood that I had come by so easily. Don't get me wrong, I am still proud of what I did, and I still believe that I was meant to help my IPs become parents, but somewhere along the way I sort of lost the magic of the experience.
I think the main problem is that the reality of my journey was nothing like the journey I had visualized in my head when I first started. When I first saw myself going through the experience, I saw myself helping my IPs to experience their pregnancy. I pictured my IPs coming to appointments, then us going out to lunch or dinner afterward with my family. My IM would place her hands on my belly and giggle with excitement as her baby kicked in response. They would be active and interested in what was going on - what I was craving, how much movement I was feeling, when I though the baby might make an appearance.
In reality, the pregnancy went nothing like that. My IPs came to the majority of appointments, but were not interested in spending any time together outside of them. They would drive in and head right back out as soon as they were over. Toward the end of the pregnancy, they stopped coming to most appointments, as they had too many other things going on at home. They never felt their babies kick, and sometimes did not even respond to the weekly emails I sent them to update them on the pregnancy.
The delivery also did not go the way I had planned. I had imagined my husband and my IPs in the delivery room with me as I labored, all of us talking to kill the time. I imagined me pushing with everyone's encouragement, and once the baby was born, I could see it being placed on its mother's chest. I pictured the whole room sharing the shock and joy, the laughing and crying, as my IPs met their son or daughter for the first time.
Instead, I delivered the twins by c-section in an operating room. There were tons of people there, and with the exception of my husband and the anesthesiologist, they all ignored me. The babies entered the world and were placed on no one's chest - they were whisked out of the room without me or my husband, the only people who cared about them, even being allowed a glance at them first. My IPs were not there to meet their babies. They had originally wanted to be at the birth, but once they found out that I would have to have a c-section and the doctor would not wait for them to make their 5 hour drive before performing it, they decided they wouldn't even bother trying. They didn't arrive until hours after their boys were born, and they had to go to the nursery to retrieve their children. At the first meeting there was no laughing or crying, no hugging, or any other extreme outpouring of emotions or joy. We were all more consumed with the logistics of collecting the babies, transporting them to their recovery room, and getting everyone settled in.
I know it sounds like I'm complaining. And maybe I am, a little. But I am not upset. I do not blame my IPs for the way things went. I do not fault them for not fitting in with the perfect scenario I pictured in my head. They were never anything but respectful, caring and kind toward me. They brought me snacks and gifts for my child almost every time I saw them. They are wonderful people who deserved to be parents. But we both went into surrogacy for a purpose - mine was to help a family become parents, and theirs was to become parents. Aside from that, our expectations for the journey to get there probably just didn't line up. While having them turn me down for lunch made me a little sad, I understood that they were busy people who traveled a long way for the appointments. As the pregnancy progressed, they got even busier planning for a baby on top of all their other tasks and commitments. In addition, there was a big age gap, culture gap, and a difference in communications styles. We wouldn't have been friends if we just met on the street, we did not have anything in common. So I was not sad or surprised that our relationship never blossomed into a friendship, and I was not offended that they did not want to spend extra time with me or my family outside of appointments.
I also don't blame them, the hospital staff, or anyone else for my delivery experience. We had breech babies, and a c-section was necessary. That's just the way it was. By the time we all met the babies, I was drugged on morphine, and had gone 34 hours without any sleep. I was mainly just trying not to nod off in my wheelchair. My IPs had just had an agonizingly long drive filled with traffic and construction, and had probably gotten almost as little sleep as I had. They were shocked, stressed, and overwhelmed by the time they finally got a chance to meet their little boys.
I will admit, I'm still a little miffed about the c-section. Logically I know there is no reason to be. I know it was necessary. It went fine and I recovered easily. But something about having a major abdominal surgery for something other than an actual medical problem just rubs me the wrong way, and I think it always will. I also worry about any future deliveries, as I know that from now on, I will be facing an uphill battle to get to deliver vaginally.
Do I wish that things had gone a little differently? Yes. Would I go back in time and make any different choices? No. In the end, I was able to make two deserving people into parents, and bring two humans into this world who would never have had the chance to exist without my help. I don't look back on my experience and feel bitterness, or even disappointment. I guess the best word to describe it would be underwhelmed. It was not a bad journey. In fact, it's probably the most amazing thing I will ever have a chance to do in my whole life. But it wasn't the journey I had idealized in my head. I was the one who painted the perfect, pretty picture of how I wanted it to go, and it's no one's fault but mine that the reality didn't live up to the expectations.
If I decide to do another surrogacy journey (and yes, I am considering it), I think I will do things a little differently. First, I will have a few more requirements about the IPs I'm willing to work with, and I will shoot for someone who is willing to only do single embryo transfers. Most importantly, I will try to temper my expectations so that the beauty of the journey is able to shine through without being clouded by my idealistic expectations.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Long Time No Post!
Hey all, is anyone still out there?
It's been a while since I updated. The twins are 7 weeks old today! The last I heard they were doing well and growing like weeks, but I don't really have much to update on them since I don't hear from their parents very often anymore. I am doing well. I am fully healed from the c-section. My tummy is back to being nice and flat, but it feels weird and soft - I need to start doing some abs work soon! I still have about 6 pounds to lose, but I am able to fit back into my normal clothes...yay!
I thoroughly enjoyed my "maternity" leave, and spent 5 and a half weeks spending extra time with my husband and daughter and doing lots of projects around the house. The icing on the cake was that except for one super hot week at the end of August, the weather was gorgeous! I am now at my second week back to work and starting to get settled in and caught up. It's really nice to be back into the swing of things with my life back to normal. I was worried that after my surrogacy journey was over, I would feel like a part of my life was missing. Surrogacy has consumed my time and energy for the last year and a half, and to know that it was going to end so suddenly was a little scary. Luckily, I haven't had any problems at all adjusting, mainly because I have so much going on. I am the type of person who really likes to have projects and plans, so I made sure that I had a lot waiting on my plate for me as soon as the journey was over. Here is what is next for us:
1) Sell our house - we put our house on the market two weeks ago. The timing worked out perfectly because I was able to use the maternity leave time to really get our house spruced up. My husband took 4 weeks of FMLA time off work to "help" me after my surgery, and together we redid our landscaping (turns out gardening didn't land at the top of my to-do list while pregnant with twins in the summertime), re-grouted our kitchen floor, cleaned out all our closets, cleaned and organized our basement, touched up our pain, and fixed some small maintenance issues here and there. Now we just have to keep our house in pristine condition - not an easy feat with a toddler - until it sells.
2) Go on vacation - we will be taking a vacation to Washington DC in October. It's going to be great. My parents will be watching our daughter back home so my husband and I will get to check out the sights without distractions! We are staying with some friends who moved out there a couple years ago so it will be so nice to see them as well!
3) Move to Denver. Denver is where we are both from, and where all our families live. We do not have jobs lined up out there or a deadline to get out there, but now just seems like the right time for us to go back home. So we aren't desperate to move, and we will wait until we get an offer on our house before making any concrete plans.
4) Get jobs in Denver. This is the part that scares me. I love my job here and the people I work with/for, and the thought of starting over scares me. I refuse to even check out the job market or look at potential opportunities until we get an offer on the house. Not the best career move I know, but we will hopefully have the luxury of me being able to take a few months to get my bearings and apply for jobs that really seem like a good match before we will start getting desperate for the money.
5) Have another baby of our own. Once we get settled into our lives in Denver, it will be time to start thinking about giving our little girl a sibling. I think the timing on this will (hopefully) work out really well, because after my c-section my doctor recommended waiting at least a year (18 months for the best chance at a VBAC) before getting pregnant again. I'm also looking forward to not being pregnant next summer...summer evenings are just so much more enjoyable with a glass or wine or a cocktail!
I'll try to be back soon with an update more related to surrogacy!
It's been a while since I updated. The twins are 7 weeks old today! The last I heard they were doing well and growing like weeks, but I don't really have much to update on them since I don't hear from their parents very often anymore. I am doing well. I am fully healed from the c-section. My tummy is back to being nice and flat, but it feels weird and soft - I need to start doing some abs work soon! I still have about 6 pounds to lose, but I am able to fit back into my normal clothes...yay!
I thoroughly enjoyed my "maternity" leave, and spent 5 and a half weeks spending extra time with my husband and daughter and doing lots of projects around the house. The icing on the cake was that except for one super hot week at the end of August, the weather was gorgeous! I am now at my second week back to work and starting to get settled in and caught up. It's really nice to be back into the swing of things with my life back to normal. I was worried that after my surrogacy journey was over, I would feel like a part of my life was missing. Surrogacy has consumed my time and energy for the last year and a half, and to know that it was going to end so suddenly was a little scary. Luckily, I haven't had any problems at all adjusting, mainly because I have so much going on. I am the type of person who really likes to have projects and plans, so I made sure that I had a lot waiting on my plate for me as soon as the journey was over. Here is what is next for us:
1) Sell our house - we put our house on the market two weeks ago. The timing worked out perfectly because I was able to use the maternity leave time to really get our house spruced up. My husband took 4 weeks of FMLA time off work to "help" me after my surgery, and together we redid our landscaping (turns out gardening didn't land at the top of my to-do list while pregnant with twins in the summertime), re-grouted our kitchen floor, cleaned out all our closets, cleaned and organized our basement, touched up our pain, and fixed some small maintenance issues here and there. Now we just have to keep our house in pristine condition - not an easy feat with a toddler - until it sells.
2) Go on vacation - we will be taking a vacation to Washington DC in October. It's going to be great. My parents will be watching our daughter back home so my husband and I will get to check out the sights without distractions! We are staying with some friends who moved out there a couple years ago so it will be so nice to see them as well!
3) Move to Denver. Denver is where we are both from, and where all our families live. We do not have jobs lined up out there or a deadline to get out there, but now just seems like the right time for us to go back home. So we aren't desperate to move, and we will wait until we get an offer on our house before making any concrete plans.
4) Get jobs in Denver. This is the part that scares me. I love my job here and the people I work with/for, and the thought of starting over scares me. I refuse to even check out the job market or look at potential opportunities until we get an offer on the house. Not the best career move I know, but we will hopefully have the luxury of me being able to take a few months to get my bearings and apply for jobs that really seem like a good match before we will start getting desperate for the money.
5) Have another baby of our own. Once we get settled into our lives in Denver, it will be time to start thinking about giving our little girl a sibling. I think the timing on this will (hopefully) work out really well, because after my c-section my doctor recommended waiting at least a year (18 months for the best chance at a VBAC) before getting pregnant again. I'm also looking forward to not being pregnant next summer...summer evenings are just so much more enjoyable with a glass or wine or a cocktail!
I'll try to be back soon with an update more related to surrogacy!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Update: 1 Week Post Partum
I has been 7 days since I gave birth to L and O! In some ways it seems like it just happened, and in others it seems like it was a long time ago. My IPs assure me that everyone is eating and sleeping, including them. I am happy that they are all adjusting so well.
I have yet to experience the wave of hormone-induced emotions that go along with delivering a baby. I remember with my daughter they started up about a week after delivery and lasted a couple weeks, where I would just be sitting there minding my own business and suddenly start crying over nothing. I wonder if these crazy hormones are hiding just around the corner waiting to spring on me, or if all the extra sleep this time around (one of the perks of surrogacy is maternity leave without the round the clock newborn care) is going to keep them at bay.
I still do not miss the babies or wish I was with them. It overjoys me to hear that they are thriving with their family. Sometimes it feels like it never even happened...it feels more like I'm just recovering from an abdominal surgery and there is no evidence that the babies were ever there. I'm also not sad that the journey is over. I think I might have had a harder time adjusting to the change in my relationship with my IPs if I had been closer to them during the journey. Don't get me wrong they were wonderful people who I adore and they were so deserving of becoming parents, but I don't think we would have become friends if we met under different circumstances. They treated me wonderfully throughout the journey and I have absolutely no complaints about them, but we just never became emotionally close. So now that they have their babies and I am no longer an essential part of their world, I have not had to deal with rejection or even a much lessened level of communication. I have received texts from both of them over the last week, and it warms my heart to know that they are still thinking of me even in their spit-uppy, poopy, sleep deprived states. I did not expect a lot of communication and everything I get seems like a nice bonus to the satisfaction I got from the journey itself.
Physically I am doing well. I have been able to move around a little more easily every day. Yesterday I decided it was time to dump the narcotics and I am surviving just on ibuprofen and acetaminophen now. Today I ran an errand and met a friend for lunch, and while I was hurting by the end of it, I am happy to say I made it through. I'm expecting that in another week I should be able to go about my life normally (while still observing the no lifting, no pool, no sex, etc. instructions of course). I am really enjoying the extra time with my daughter - she is almost two and it's so fun to see her language skills and personality blossom a little more each day.
I gained a total of 42 pounds during the pregnancy, and I have lost 24 so far. Only 18 more to go! The swelling in my feet continued to be terrible for the first several days after surgery, but this morning I looked down and saw my normal ankles! I am also back in my normal wedding ring as of yesterday, which is something that took me weeks to accomplish after my last pregnancy. So I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Other than my scar, my stomach doesn't look too bad, and I only came out of this pregnancy with a couple new stretch marks. My skin does kind of hang there, and I'm looking forward to being cleared to exercise so I can get my tummy back to the way it was before.
My milk decided to try to come in on Sunday night, and Monday night and Tuesday were spent in a lot of pain, with a lot of ice shoved into my sports bra. My IPs decided they did not want me to pump for the babies. I don't blame them, on top of everything else they have going on, the last thing they need to worry about is how to get their babies' food shipped safely to them. I would have pumped for them if they had asked, but honestly I'm a little relieved that I can move on with my life and work on getting my body back to normal. My boobs are still feeling uncomfortable today, but definitely better than yesterday so I'm hoping that in a couple more days they will be back to normal.
Next Thursday I have my 2 week post partum check up with my doctor. If everything looks good, that will be the last time I will have to see him related to this pregnancy. I asked him in the hospital how long he recommends waiting to get pregnant again (yes, I love pregnancy THAT much - almost as much as eating!), and he said that 18 months would be best to avoid complications that might prevent me from having a successful vaginal birth after c-section (VBAC), but in any case I need to wait at least 8-12 months. So for the next year or so, my adventures will have to revolve around something other than pregnancy. I have a lot of plans up my sleeve though, so I'm sure I will be just fine!
I have yet to experience the wave of hormone-induced emotions that go along with delivering a baby. I remember with my daughter they started up about a week after delivery and lasted a couple weeks, where I would just be sitting there minding my own business and suddenly start crying over nothing. I wonder if these crazy hormones are hiding just around the corner waiting to spring on me, or if all the extra sleep this time around (one of the perks of surrogacy is maternity leave without the round the clock newborn care) is going to keep them at bay.
I still do not miss the babies or wish I was with them. It overjoys me to hear that they are thriving with their family. Sometimes it feels like it never even happened...it feels more like I'm just recovering from an abdominal surgery and there is no evidence that the babies were ever there. I'm also not sad that the journey is over. I think I might have had a harder time adjusting to the change in my relationship with my IPs if I had been closer to them during the journey. Don't get me wrong they were wonderful people who I adore and they were so deserving of becoming parents, but I don't think we would have become friends if we met under different circumstances. They treated me wonderfully throughout the journey and I have absolutely no complaints about them, but we just never became emotionally close. So now that they have their babies and I am no longer an essential part of their world, I have not had to deal with rejection or even a much lessened level of communication. I have received texts from both of them over the last week, and it warms my heart to know that they are still thinking of me even in their spit-uppy, poopy, sleep deprived states. I did not expect a lot of communication and everything I get seems like a nice bonus to the satisfaction I got from the journey itself.
Physically I am doing well. I have been able to move around a little more easily every day. Yesterday I decided it was time to dump the narcotics and I am surviving just on ibuprofen and acetaminophen now. Today I ran an errand and met a friend for lunch, and while I was hurting by the end of it, I am happy to say I made it through. I'm expecting that in another week I should be able to go about my life normally (while still observing the no lifting, no pool, no sex, etc. instructions of course). I am really enjoying the extra time with my daughter - she is almost two and it's so fun to see her language skills and personality blossom a little more each day.
I gained a total of 42 pounds during the pregnancy, and I have lost 24 so far. Only 18 more to go! The swelling in my feet continued to be terrible for the first several days after surgery, but this morning I looked down and saw my normal ankles! I am also back in my normal wedding ring as of yesterday, which is something that took me weeks to accomplish after my last pregnancy. So I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Other than my scar, my stomach doesn't look too bad, and I only came out of this pregnancy with a couple new stretch marks. My skin does kind of hang there, and I'm looking forward to being cleared to exercise so I can get my tummy back to the way it was before.
My milk decided to try to come in on Sunday night, and Monday night and Tuesday were spent in a lot of pain, with a lot of ice shoved into my sports bra. My IPs decided they did not want me to pump for the babies. I don't blame them, on top of everything else they have going on, the last thing they need to worry about is how to get their babies' food shipped safely to them. I would have pumped for them if they had asked, but honestly I'm a little relieved that I can move on with my life and work on getting my body back to normal. My boobs are still feeling uncomfortable today, but definitely better than yesterday so I'm hoping that in a couple more days they will be back to normal.
Next Thursday I have my 2 week post partum check up with my doctor. If everything looks good, that will be the last time I will have to see him related to this pregnancy. I asked him in the hospital how long he recommends waiting to get pregnant again (yes, I love pregnancy THAT much - almost as much as eating!), and he said that 18 months would be best to avoid complications that might prevent me from having a successful vaginal birth after c-section (VBAC), but in any case I need to wait at least 8-12 months. So for the next year or so, my adventures will have to revolve around something other than pregnancy. I have a lot of plans up my sleeve though, so I'm sure I will be just fine!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Birth Story Part III: Recovery
The few hours after delivery were a bit of a blur, as I was in recovery and heavily drugged, and my IPs were still driving to St. Louis. Unfortunately I called them to start driving right at the beginning of Chicago rush hour, so it took them forever to get out of the city, and then they had to deal with construction and traffic the whole way to St. Louis. They ended up not arriving at the hospital until about 4:30pm.
Since they were not going to make it any time soon, shortly after delivery they texted to ask for a picture of the boys. My husband went up to the nursery and got some cute shots of them getting their baths and getting bundled up. I was not prepared to get out of bed yet (it took a few hours for the epidural to wear off and for me to be able to move my legs) so I just decided to wait until my IPs arrived to see the babies for the first time.
Once my IPs finally made it, they stopped by my room first so that they could get their wrist bands for access to the babies. Then we headed up to the recovery floor (the hospital staff had put me in the long-term bedrest unit so that I wouldn't have to deal with hearing newborns in case I had emotional problems after delivery) and to the nursery where the babies were being kept. My husband and I were able to get some photos of the first moments of my IPs meeting their sons. IF got emotional, and as he held one of the babies he had tears in his eyes, and IM was just soaking in her babies. I don't think she took her eyes off of them from the moment we first saw them until we left the hospital two days later. We were able to take the babies to the recovery room they had prepared for my IPs so they could spend time together and bond.
Throughout the first day, L (Baby A) had a bit of a scare with his blood sugar levels, and the doctors said they might have to move him to the NICU, but he balanced out quickly and both babies were healthy in every other way. During the hospital stay they made it through their circumcisions (my OB performed the surgery for both of them), their hearing tests, and their 6 hour car seat tests with flying colors. L was a great eater, and I suspect he will catch up to his brother in weight very soon, and O was a bit more lazy and enjoyed sleeping while being held. IM refers to L as her "angel baby" because he is so sweet and never complains, and O as her "sour sweet" baby, because he is a bit more grouchy.
On Thursday and Friday, we had to deal with the attorney and her legal assistant to get all the legal paperwork sorted out. We signed all the paternity paperwork and our lawyer took them to the judge to get it signed ASAP. They were also able to convince the hospital to just go ahead and put my IPs' names on the birth certificates, so that my name never appeared on anything related to the babies. There were some communication issues, but between the lawyer, the hospital social worker, my IPs and I, we managed to get it all done.
Friday afternoon rolled around, and it was time to check out. I went up to say goodbye to my IPs and their babies one more time. They were doing great with them and I know they will be fantastic parents. I didn't ever feel any sort of attachment to the babies. In fact, when I looked at them or pictures of them, it was hard to believe that they had been inside me for the last 8 months. They just seemed like any other set of newborns - cute, but I had no desire to keep them, or even to hold them. I asked my IPs to stay in touch from time to time, and told them I would love to see/hear how the boys are growing and developing. I know they will be very busy in the coming weeks getting used to two newborns, so I am not counting on lots of communication. I just know that a lot of my time, effort, and health went into giving my IPs their family, and I just would love to be reminded occasionally of the happy ending I helped create.
This morning (at an ungodly early hour - man how their lives have changed already) I received a very sweet text from my IF, checking in to see how I'm feeling and letting me know that they are doing great. He thanked me for what I did for them and how I helped them get their "miracle." The text warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes - I am so happy that I was able to make such deserving people parents!
Since they were not going to make it any time soon, shortly after delivery they texted to ask for a picture of the boys. My husband went up to the nursery and got some cute shots of them getting their baths and getting bundled up. I was not prepared to get out of bed yet (it took a few hours for the epidural to wear off and for me to be able to move my legs) so I just decided to wait until my IPs arrived to see the babies for the first time.
Once my IPs finally made it, they stopped by my room first so that they could get their wrist bands for access to the babies. Then we headed up to the recovery floor (the hospital staff had put me in the long-term bedrest unit so that I wouldn't have to deal with hearing newborns in case I had emotional problems after delivery) and to the nursery where the babies were being kept. My husband and I were able to get some photos of the first moments of my IPs meeting their sons. IF got emotional, and as he held one of the babies he had tears in his eyes, and IM was just soaking in her babies. I don't think she took her eyes off of them from the moment we first saw them until we left the hospital two days later. We were able to take the babies to the recovery room they had prepared for my IPs so they could spend time together and bond.
Throughout the first day, L (Baby A) had a bit of a scare with his blood sugar levels, and the doctors said they might have to move him to the NICU, but he balanced out quickly and both babies were healthy in every other way. During the hospital stay they made it through their circumcisions (my OB performed the surgery for both of them), their hearing tests, and their 6 hour car seat tests with flying colors. L was a great eater, and I suspect he will catch up to his brother in weight very soon, and O was a bit more lazy and enjoyed sleeping while being held. IM refers to L as her "angel baby" because he is so sweet and never complains, and O as her "sour sweet" baby, because he is a bit more grouchy.
On Thursday and Friday, we had to deal with the attorney and her legal assistant to get all the legal paperwork sorted out. We signed all the paternity paperwork and our lawyer took them to the judge to get it signed ASAP. They were also able to convince the hospital to just go ahead and put my IPs' names on the birth certificates, so that my name never appeared on anything related to the babies. There were some communication issues, but between the lawyer, the hospital social worker, my IPs and I, we managed to get it all done.
Friday afternoon rolled around, and it was time to check out. I went up to say goodbye to my IPs and their babies one more time. They were doing great with them and I know they will be fantastic parents. I didn't ever feel any sort of attachment to the babies. In fact, when I looked at them or pictures of them, it was hard to believe that they had been inside me for the last 8 months. They just seemed like any other set of newborns - cute, but I had no desire to keep them, or even to hold them. I asked my IPs to stay in touch from time to time, and told them I would love to see/hear how the boys are growing and developing. I know they will be very busy in the coming weeks getting used to two newborns, so I am not counting on lots of communication. I just know that a lot of my time, effort, and health went into giving my IPs their family, and I just would love to be reminded occasionally of the happy ending I helped create.
This morning (at an ungodly early hour - man how their lives have changed already) I received a very sweet text from my IF, checking in to see how I'm feeling and letting me know that they are doing great. He thanked me for what I did for them and how I helped them get their "miracle." The text warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes - I am so happy that I was able to make such deserving people parents!
Birth Story Part II: Delivery!
As soon as my doctor told me he wanted to do a C-section within the hour, I called my husband (who was in a dead sleep) to tell him to drop our daughter off at daycare and get his butt over to the hospital. While we waited for him to arrive, they prepped me for surgery. This involved hooking me up to various monitors, hooking me up to fluids via IV, having me sign consent forms, and shaving me "down there." Then we ho hummed for a while waiting for my husband to show up, then it was off to the OR.
There were probably about 15 medical people in the room, between the doctors actually doing surgery, their support staff, and the students just observing the procedure. I asked my doctor which doctors were there for the babies, and he told me they weren't even there yet...so all sorts of people there just for me. The anesthesiologist did the epidural/spinal block thingy so I could remain awake during the procedure. Then they got me settled on the table, strapped down my arms crucifix style, and I guess started hacking away. I was completely numb but could feel all sorts of weird pulling sensations that I didn't want to know what they were. I was scared at the beginning, but I passed the time by joking with my husband and the anesthesiologist. From time to time I asked the anesthesiologist questions about whether what I was feeling was normal. For example, I recall asking him if it was normal to feel dizzy, cold, and like my teeth were heavy. He told me all of it was normal (even the teeth, I guess).
After several minutes, Baby A was born at 9:01 am. My husband was ready with the camera to snap a couple pictures of the babies as they came out, but before he had a chance, a doctor had whisked him right out of the room to an observation room across the hall. We were both a little upset about that as we had promised the IPs we would get pictures for them, so one of the lovely medical students offered to take pictures of Baby B once he was born and before he was taken out of the room. At 9:03, Baby B was born, and her was NOT happy about it. He had a very nice strong cry/scream as he followed his brother into the next room.
It took them about another hour to finish closing me back up. I remember feeling STARVING while they were doing the surgery, and talking about how I could really go for a hamburger, then deciding that it would probably be better to wait at least until they finished putting my stomach back in my body. I also remember thinking that it was so strange that all of a sudden, the babies were born and the journey was over.
Once they closed me up, my doctor told me that everything had gone perfectly with the surgery, I had lost very little blood for someone with twins, and that I did great. He asked if I had any questions, and I asked when I could eat again. He told me it would probably be 5-6 hours, as they would start me off with fluids and see how I held them down. Yep, pretty much that whole morning I was focused on food.
I would love to share the babies' names and photos of them with everyone, as they are cute as buttons. But my IPs have asked me not to share their photos or names on the internet, and I am going to respect their wishes for their children. So the stats I can share with you are:
"L" (formerly known as Baby A)
Born July 31, 2013 at 9:01am
5lbs, 1oz
18" long
"O" (formerly known as Baby B)
Born July 31, 2013 at 9:03am
5lbs, 8oz
19" long
There were probably about 15 medical people in the room, between the doctors actually doing surgery, their support staff, and the students just observing the procedure. I asked my doctor which doctors were there for the babies, and he told me they weren't even there yet...so all sorts of people there just for me. The anesthesiologist did the epidural/spinal block thingy so I could remain awake during the procedure. Then they got me settled on the table, strapped down my arms crucifix style, and I guess started hacking away. I was completely numb but could feel all sorts of weird pulling sensations that I didn't want to know what they were. I was scared at the beginning, but I passed the time by joking with my husband and the anesthesiologist. From time to time I asked the anesthesiologist questions about whether what I was feeling was normal. For example, I recall asking him if it was normal to feel dizzy, cold, and like my teeth were heavy. He told me all of it was normal (even the teeth, I guess).
After several minutes, Baby A was born at 9:01 am. My husband was ready with the camera to snap a couple pictures of the babies as they came out, but before he had a chance, a doctor had whisked him right out of the room to an observation room across the hall. We were both a little upset about that as we had promised the IPs we would get pictures for them, so one of the lovely medical students offered to take pictures of Baby B once he was born and before he was taken out of the room. At 9:03, Baby B was born, and her was NOT happy about it. He had a very nice strong cry/scream as he followed his brother into the next room.
It took them about another hour to finish closing me back up. I remember feeling STARVING while they were doing the surgery, and talking about how I could really go for a hamburger, then deciding that it would probably be better to wait at least until they finished putting my stomach back in my body. I also remember thinking that it was so strange that all of a sudden, the babies were born and the journey was over.
Once they closed me up, my doctor told me that everything had gone perfectly with the surgery, I had lost very little blood for someone with twins, and that I did great. He asked if I had any questions, and I asked when I could eat again. He told me it would probably be 5-6 hours, as they would start me off with fluids and see how I held them down. Yep, pretty much that whole morning I was focused on food.
I would love to share the babies' names and photos of them with everyone, as they are cute as buttons. But my IPs have asked me not to share their photos or names on the internet, and I am going to respect their wishes for their children. So the stats I can share with you are:
"L" (formerly known as Baby A)
Born July 31, 2013 at 9:01am
5lbs, 1oz
18" long
"O" (formerly known as Baby B)
Born July 31, 2013 at 9:03am
5lbs, 8oz
19" long
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