I saw this article on the New York Times website today.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/04/health/ethics-questions-arise-as-genetic-testing-of-embryos-increases.html?hp
The article is not related to surrogacy, but does deal with IVF in general. My IPs did not choose to PGD test their embryos, but I know that many IPs do. After hanging around in the surrogacy world for the last couple of years, I have heard of many people, even without known genetic issues, to screen all their embryos for various common diseases and abnormalities (such as trisomies) to be sure they are only transferring embryos that will result in healthy children. I've also heard of people using PGD to determine the sex of the embryos and decide which to transfer based on that information.
Showing posts with label surrogate issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surrogate issues. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Breeders: A Subclass of Women?
http://www.cbc-network.org/2014/01/our-new-film/
"Breeders: A Subclass of Women? shares the stories of four women, and the unexpected consequences and heart-wrenching emotions as they are deprived of their maternal identity and personal autonomy in compensated service to people of greater means."
Sounds like they managed to find four women out of the countless surrogates who had unexpected emotional issues. Makes me wonder if they sought out people who failed to go through the proper channels to do surrogacy, with medical and psychological screening, as well as an attorney-prepared and reviewed contract.
Also, it's interesting to know that I am part of a "distinct class of commercial provider."
Luckily, it looks like this piece of garbage will not actually be on TV, but if you are interested, "Viewings are scheduled throughout 2014 in numerous locations. Check the schedule at breeders.cbc-network.org for a screening location near you."
"Breeders: A Subclass of Women? shares the stories of four women, and the unexpected consequences and heart-wrenching emotions as they are deprived of their maternal identity and personal autonomy in compensated service to people of greater means."
Sounds like they managed to find four women out of the countless surrogates who had unexpected emotional issues. Makes me wonder if they sought out people who failed to go through the proper channels to do surrogacy, with medical and psychological screening, as well as an attorney-prepared and reviewed contract.
Also, it's interesting to know that I am part of a "distinct class of commercial provider."
Luckily, it looks like this piece of garbage will not actually be on TV, but if you are interested, "Viewings are scheduled throughout 2014 in numerous locations. Check the schedule at breeders.cbc-network.org for a screening location near you."
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Coordinating with the Hospital
Another one of the many moving parts of surrogacy is the need to coordinate with the delivery hospital. It turns out you can't just show up, pop out a baby, and then expect the hospital to allow a totally different couple to take it home.
In our situation, it was important to all of us that my IPs be treated like the parents right from the start, and for me to be left alone without being bugged about medical or legal decisions that I had no right to make. We also wanted to ensure that the medical staff we dealt with understand our unique situation and treat us with respect during our stay.
Our first step was to find out from our lawyer what sort of legal documents we would need to present to the hospital so that they would recognize my IPs as parents. As I mentioned in my previous post, she said we would need to get a VAP form from the hospital and sign it (to establish IF as the biological and legal parent). That way, he would be given the full rights to access and make medical decisions for the babies without me or my husband having to act as the middleman. The form also allows the babies to be discharged with their parents instead of me. Since there is no PBO in Missouri, this document is the best we can do as far as getting legal backup for our situation.
My IPs decided that if possible, they would like their own recovery room, separate from mine, where they can spend time bonding with their babies before they are discharged. I am very happy they made this choice, because while I'm sure I will love spending time with my IPs and getting some baby snuggles in, I don't really want to have to "host" them in my room all day long while I'm recovering from delivery. Since parents aren't allowed in the nursery and babies are generally expected to "room in" with their parents, getting their own room is really my IPs' only option to be able to spend time alone with their babies for long periods of time.
While on the hospital tour a couple weeks ago, we made sure to ask the tour guide who we would need to get in touch with to figure out how to make sure they can get their own room, and can generally be recognized as the parents by the hospital staff. She pointed us in the direction of the nurse manager for Labor & Delivery.
So two weeks ago, I called and got in touch with the nurse manager. She was very nice, and assured us that as long as there were enough rooms, my IPs would be able to get their own room. However, she was totally unfamiliar with surrogacy and had no idea about the legal forms or anything else we would need. She seemed to think that treating the situation like an adoption would be fine, and kept on referring to me as the birth mother (um, no). After a few promises to gather more information and call me back, and me following up after receiving no call, she finally passed me off to the hospital social worker.
The social worker was also very nice. Unfortunately, after talking to the birth certificate department, she determined that the hospital had no idea what a VAP form was. (As a side note - even if they've never had a surrogacy before, I find it hard to believe that they've never had a situation where the legal husband isn't the bio father of the baby.) She said for adoptions you would normally sign a medical power of attorney form to give the adoptive parents the right to make medical decisions for the child. I explained that that wouldn't work in our situation, because it would require me to sign away rights to a baby that I never had any rights to in the first place. So she took down a bunch of info, said she would contact the hospital legal department and my attorney if necessary, and promised to call me back.
Amazingly, she did! And she had good news! The hospital legal department had contacted the powers that be, found the VAP form, and have secured it for us to sign when we arrive at the hospital to deliver. She confirmed that IPs will get their own room (space permitting) and will both get their own bracelets to be able to access the babies whenever they want, regardless of whether I'm present. She also told me that since she understands what's going on with us, she will serve as point person for our delivery, whenever it happens to be. She gave me her personal pager number and told me to call it when I'm heading for the hospital. She will then contact the medical team and make sure everyone knows what's going on.
The other thing she encouraged us to do (which my doctor also recommended) was to get a birth plan put into my file that not only states my wishes as far as labor and delivery, but has everyone's contact number and includes my IPs' wishes for what they are hoping for both during and after delivery. That way the hospital staff can look through it and do their best to accommodate our wishes without having to ask us lots of stupid questions.
In our situation, it was important to all of us that my IPs be treated like the parents right from the start, and for me to be left alone without being bugged about medical or legal decisions that I had no right to make. We also wanted to ensure that the medical staff we dealt with understand our unique situation and treat us with respect during our stay.
Our first step was to find out from our lawyer what sort of legal documents we would need to present to the hospital so that they would recognize my IPs as parents. As I mentioned in my previous post, she said we would need to get a VAP form from the hospital and sign it (to establish IF as the biological and legal parent). That way, he would be given the full rights to access and make medical decisions for the babies without me or my husband having to act as the middleman. The form also allows the babies to be discharged with their parents instead of me. Since there is no PBO in Missouri, this document is the best we can do as far as getting legal backup for our situation.
My IPs decided that if possible, they would like their own recovery room, separate from mine, where they can spend time bonding with their babies before they are discharged. I am very happy they made this choice, because while I'm sure I will love spending time with my IPs and getting some baby snuggles in, I don't really want to have to "host" them in my room all day long while I'm recovering from delivery. Since parents aren't allowed in the nursery and babies are generally expected to "room in" with their parents, getting their own room is really my IPs' only option to be able to spend time alone with their babies for long periods of time.
While on the hospital tour a couple weeks ago, we made sure to ask the tour guide who we would need to get in touch with to figure out how to make sure they can get their own room, and can generally be recognized as the parents by the hospital staff. She pointed us in the direction of the nurse manager for Labor & Delivery.
So two weeks ago, I called and got in touch with the nurse manager. She was very nice, and assured us that as long as there were enough rooms, my IPs would be able to get their own room. However, she was totally unfamiliar with surrogacy and had no idea about the legal forms or anything else we would need. She seemed to think that treating the situation like an adoption would be fine, and kept on referring to me as the birth mother (um, no). After a few promises to gather more information and call me back, and me following up after receiving no call, she finally passed me off to the hospital social worker.
The social worker was also very nice. Unfortunately, after talking to the birth certificate department, she determined that the hospital had no idea what a VAP form was. (As a side note - even if they've never had a surrogacy before, I find it hard to believe that they've never had a situation where the legal husband isn't the bio father of the baby.) She said for adoptions you would normally sign a medical power of attorney form to give the adoptive parents the right to make medical decisions for the child. I explained that that wouldn't work in our situation, because it would require me to sign away rights to a baby that I never had any rights to in the first place. So she took down a bunch of info, said she would contact the hospital legal department and my attorney if necessary, and promised to call me back.
Amazingly, she did! And she had good news! The hospital legal department had contacted the powers that be, found the VAP form, and have secured it for us to sign when we arrive at the hospital to deliver. She confirmed that IPs will get their own room (space permitting) and will both get their own bracelets to be able to access the babies whenever they want, regardless of whether I'm present. She also told me that since she understands what's going on with us, she will serve as point person for our delivery, whenever it happens to be. She gave me her personal pager number and told me to call it when I'm heading for the hospital. She will then contact the medical team and make sure everyone knows what's going on.
The other thing she encouraged us to do (which my doctor also recommended) was to get a birth plan put into my file that not only states my wishes as far as labor and delivery, but has everyone's contact number and includes my IPs' wishes for what they are hoping for both during and after delivery. That way the hospital staff can look through it and do their best to accommodate our wishes without having to ask us lots of stupid questions.
Friday, July 5, 2013
32 Weeks
Happy 4th of July to all my U.S. readers out there. Hope everyone had a fun-filled and safe holiday.
Today I am 32 weeks pregnant with these little guys. Once again, this feels like a big milestone for me. The chances of babies being born healthy and strong increase with each passing week. It's hard to believe that there are only 2-6 more weeks to go!
I don't really have too much to add from my last post. I am definitely feeling like I'm ready to be done with the pregnancy. I feel like I did at probably 36 weeks or so with a singleton - tired, big, grumpy, and achy. I still wouldn't say I'm totally miserable yet, give me a couple more weeks. :) I have gained about 30 pounds so far, which is less than I gained at this point with my own daughter. Also, even though I'm experiencing some swelling, I'm still able to fit into my wedding ring at this point (I had already had to give it up by 32 weeks last pregnancy). I think the relatively mild St. Louis summer is helping with that.
I had another chiropractor appointment today, which will be my last before my ultrasound next Thursday. So one more shot for the chiro to get that baby turned. I'm actually not sure where the babies are positioned at this point. I'm pretty sure Baby A is no longer transverse and is now up and down along the right side of my body. Whether he's head up or head down, I can't tell. If I had to guess, I would guess he's still breech. I think Baby B is now hanging out head down on the left side of my body, but I'm not sure about that either.
During the last week I have been having a lot of anxiety about the birth, mainly worrying about a c-section. The logical part of me knows that a c-section isn't really that big of a deal - women have them every day and are perfectly fine. It's not even so much the surgery itself that scares me. My main worry is that if I have to have a c-section, unless I make it to a scheduled date at 37-38 weeks, my IPs (who have a 5 hour drive) will almost certainly miss the birth. I asked at the last appointment, and the doctor confirmed, that if I go into labor on my own they will not wait around for my IPs to get there, they will take the babies out immediately to avoid the risk of a breech baby getting too far down in the birth canal.
Even before I was matched, one of the things I really wanted to experience out of this journey was to be able to see my IPs meet their child/ren for the first time. I wanted to soak up the moment of joy and awe and watch a family be created right as it happened. Yes, I realize that I am being compensated monetarily for this journey, and I realize that I will have plenty of time to visit with my IPs and their sons later on during the hospital stay, but for the 18 months of my life that I have been working on this surrogacy, that first moment was my ideal reward.
If I have a c-section, I will miss that completely. Even if my IPs are there, they will not be in the OR with me, and the staff will take their babies out to meet them while they finish putting me back together. And if they don't make it in time for the birth, I'm sure they will stop in to check on their babies before coming to visit me.
I think I'm just overly hormonal in general right now, but I have really struggled with this fear and anxiety this week. I have been losing sleep over it, randomly breaking into tears (and those who know me in person know that I am not a crier), and obsessing over every little movement to try and figure out if it's being caused by a hand, foot, butt, or head. I think the main problem is that I just don't know. I'm hoping that after the ultrasound next Thursday, even if the results aren't what I want, having a sense of certainty will help me accept what's going to happen.
Until then, I'm really trying to focus on the positives of this pregnancy. I have made it to 32 weeks without any complications or bed rest (and none in sight), and aside from general last month aches and pains, I really feel pretty good. Although my first contraction as at 23 weeks, since then they have been few and far between, and I don't get the feeling that I will be going into labor anytime soon. So here's to at least a few more weeks of baby-growing!
Today I am 32 weeks pregnant with these little guys. Once again, this feels like a big milestone for me. The chances of babies being born healthy and strong increase with each passing week. It's hard to believe that there are only 2-6 more weeks to go!
I don't really have too much to add from my last post. I am definitely feeling like I'm ready to be done with the pregnancy. I feel like I did at probably 36 weeks or so with a singleton - tired, big, grumpy, and achy. I still wouldn't say I'm totally miserable yet, give me a couple more weeks. :) I have gained about 30 pounds so far, which is less than I gained at this point with my own daughter. Also, even though I'm experiencing some swelling, I'm still able to fit into my wedding ring at this point (I had already had to give it up by 32 weeks last pregnancy). I think the relatively mild St. Louis summer is helping with that.
I had another chiropractor appointment today, which will be my last before my ultrasound next Thursday. So one more shot for the chiro to get that baby turned. I'm actually not sure where the babies are positioned at this point. I'm pretty sure Baby A is no longer transverse and is now up and down along the right side of my body. Whether he's head up or head down, I can't tell. If I had to guess, I would guess he's still breech. I think Baby B is now hanging out head down on the left side of my body, but I'm not sure about that either.
During the last week I have been having a lot of anxiety about the birth, mainly worrying about a c-section. The logical part of me knows that a c-section isn't really that big of a deal - women have them every day and are perfectly fine. It's not even so much the surgery itself that scares me. My main worry is that if I have to have a c-section, unless I make it to a scheduled date at 37-38 weeks, my IPs (who have a 5 hour drive) will almost certainly miss the birth. I asked at the last appointment, and the doctor confirmed, that if I go into labor on my own they will not wait around for my IPs to get there, they will take the babies out immediately to avoid the risk of a breech baby getting too far down in the birth canal.
Even before I was matched, one of the things I really wanted to experience out of this journey was to be able to see my IPs meet their child/ren for the first time. I wanted to soak up the moment of joy and awe and watch a family be created right as it happened. Yes, I realize that I am being compensated monetarily for this journey, and I realize that I will have plenty of time to visit with my IPs and their sons later on during the hospital stay, but for the 18 months of my life that I have been working on this surrogacy, that first moment was my ideal reward.
If I have a c-section, I will miss that completely. Even if my IPs are there, they will not be in the OR with me, and the staff will take their babies out to meet them while they finish putting me back together. And if they don't make it in time for the birth, I'm sure they will stop in to check on their babies before coming to visit me.
I think I'm just overly hormonal in general right now, but I have really struggled with this fear and anxiety this week. I have been losing sleep over it, randomly breaking into tears (and those who know me in person know that I am not a crier), and obsessing over every little movement to try and figure out if it's being caused by a hand, foot, butt, or head. I think the main problem is that I just don't know. I'm hoping that after the ultrasound next Thursday, even if the results aren't what I want, having a sense of certainty will help me accept what's going to happen.
Until then, I'm really trying to focus on the positives of this pregnancy. I have made it to 32 weeks without any complications or bed rest (and none in sight), and aside from general last month aches and pains, I really feel pretty good. Although my first contraction as at 23 weeks, since then they have been few and far between, and I don't get the feeling that I will be going into labor anytime soon. So here's to at least a few more weeks of baby-growing!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Happy Anniversary (and a love letter to my spouse)
Today my husband and I celebrate our 5 year anniversary. Since I didn't feel comfortable being too far away from home at 26 weeks with twins, we decided to celebrate by spending a couple nights at a Bed & Breakfast just outside the city in the countryside. Our friends kindly offered to watch the kiddo for us, so we will get 2 days and nights all to ourselves...so exciting!
It's funny how life works sometimes. If you had told me on my wedding day that on my 5th anniversary, I would be pregnant with another man's children, I would have politely (or not so politely) suggested that you check yourself into the nearest mental institution. At that point I was still ambivalent about having my own children, and it never would have crossed my mind that I would want to be pregnant for someone else. I had no idea how much five years would change me.
In those five years, I met many people who changed my perspective completely. I met my beautiful daughter and was able to experience the love of a mother - an indescribable emotion that you can't possibly understand until you feel it yourself. I crossed paths with many wonderful people, both in person and online, who yearned and deserved to become parents, and were held back by nothing more that their biology. These last five years opened my eyes to the epidemic of infertility in this country, and made me feel desperate to help. I don't know how many times over the last few years I discussed another couple's struggles to have children with my husband and told him, "I wish I just had a baby to give to them." One day I realized, I can!
I have always been my own person and done what I wanted. My husband knew that going into this marriage. Becoming a surrogate was not the first crazy scheme I've come up with. Through everything, my husband has not only gone with the flow and let me be myself and follow my dreams, but he has been there to support and encourage me every step of the way. He has talked me off the ledge when I've felt like a failure, picked up my slack when the everyday tasks got lost in the shuffle, and shown me that he loves me for who I am no matter what I do.
People constantly tell me how wonderful they think I am for doing this, what a big heart I have, how strong I must be. Even though these comments make me uncomfortable, I'm going to shift the spotlight onto someone else. I think my husband is the unsung hero in this process. No, he didn't have to pump himself full of crazy meds for three months. He doesn't have to watch his stomach grow daily, or feel the aches and pains that go along with pregnancy. He will not have to push two babies out of his body (or undergo abdominal surgery if it ends up being needed). But you know what? He has to deal with his wife doing all these things, which might even be worse. He had to go through the same medical and psychological screening that I did, to ensure that he's not crazy or riddled with STDs. He had to listen to me vent and whine about the lawyers and the clinic personnel. He had to come home from his 12 hour shifts and do laundry and make dinner when I just couldn't do it in the first trimester. He was the one who had to go out at 10:00pm the other night when I saw a commercial for and demanded a frosty in a waffle cone.
It's true that not every woman could be a surrogate. Besides the physical aspects, I'm sure the emotional side of the process would be more than some women could handle. But I also think that it takes a very strong, secure man be a partner to a woman in this process. Not just anyone could deal with all the emotions a man goes through during his wife's pregnancy, knowing the whole while that the child/ren she was carrying were not his.
If you know my husband and me in real life, you know we are not normally the mushy, lovey-dovey types. So I just thought I would take our anniversary as an opportunity to gush about how much I really do appreciate everything he does for me and our daughter every single day, and what a wonderful man he is. He truly is my partner, both on this surrogacy journey and on our journey together through this life. I love you, Pookie!
It's funny how life works sometimes. If you had told me on my wedding day that on my 5th anniversary, I would be pregnant with another man's children, I would have politely (or not so politely) suggested that you check yourself into the nearest mental institution. At that point I was still ambivalent about having my own children, and it never would have crossed my mind that I would want to be pregnant for someone else. I had no idea how much five years would change me.
In those five years, I met many people who changed my perspective completely. I met my beautiful daughter and was able to experience the love of a mother - an indescribable emotion that you can't possibly understand until you feel it yourself. I crossed paths with many wonderful people, both in person and online, who yearned and deserved to become parents, and were held back by nothing more that their biology. These last five years opened my eyes to the epidemic of infertility in this country, and made me feel desperate to help. I don't know how many times over the last few years I discussed another couple's struggles to have children with my husband and told him, "I wish I just had a baby to give to them." One day I realized, I can!
I have always been my own person and done what I wanted. My husband knew that going into this marriage. Becoming a surrogate was not the first crazy scheme I've come up with. Through everything, my husband has not only gone with the flow and let me be myself and follow my dreams, but he has been there to support and encourage me every step of the way. He has talked me off the ledge when I've felt like a failure, picked up my slack when the everyday tasks got lost in the shuffle, and shown me that he loves me for who I am no matter what I do.
People constantly tell me how wonderful they think I am for doing this, what a big heart I have, how strong I must be. Even though these comments make me uncomfortable, I'm going to shift the spotlight onto someone else. I think my husband is the unsung hero in this process. No, he didn't have to pump himself full of crazy meds for three months. He doesn't have to watch his stomach grow daily, or feel the aches and pains that go along with pregnancy. He will not have to push two babies out of his body (or undergo abdominal surgery if it ends up being needed). But you know what? He has to deal with his wife doing all these things, which might even be worse. He had to go through the same medical and psychological screening that I did, to ensure that he's not crazy or riddled with STDs. He had to listen to me vent and whine about the lawyers and the clinic personnel. He had to come home from his 12 hour shifts and do laundry and make dinner when I just couldn't do it in the first trimester. He was the one who had to go out at 10:00pm the other night when I saw a commercial for and demanded a frosty in a waffle cone.
It's true that not every woman could be a surrogate. Besides the physical aspects, I'm sure the emotional side of the process would be more than some women could handle. But I also think that it takes a very strong, secure man be a partner to a woman in this process. Not just anyone could deal with all the emotions a man goes through during his wife's pregnancy, knowing the whole while that the child/ren she was carrying were not his.
If you know my husband and me in real life, you know we are not normally the mushy, lovey-dovey types. So I just thought I would take our anniversary as an opportunity to gush about how much I really do appreciate everything he does for me and our daughter every single day, and what a wonderful man he is. He truly is my partner, both on this surrogacy journey and on our journey together through this life. I love you, Pookie!
Friday, April 26, 2013
22 weeks and Appointment Recap
I am 22 weeks pregnant today! I'm still feeling pretty great overall. My belly is definitely getting bigger and more in the way, but I don't have any other major complaints. The babies are incredibly active, especially Baby A. Sometimes I can't tell if they are just moving a lot of if I'm starting to have tightening/braxton hicks contractions.
About the appointment. It was a bit of a mixed bag. I have already vented about it to my IPs, my husband, my agency, my mom, and my online surrogacy forum support group. I'm going to recap it one more time on this blog, and then let it go. It's not good to have all the bad energy hanging over me while I'm growing these little beauties.
The most important thing we learned at the appointment was that the babies are still looking great. They are growing just as they should, and all their organs look perfect. After some prodding from the tech, we were finally able to get Baby B to move into a position where we could get the measurements we needed for his heart. Baby A was a wild thing in there, and Baby B was much more laid back. It will be interesting to see if those personalities hold once they are out in the real world! I forget what the exact estimated weights were, but Baby A was in the 50th percentile and Baby B was in the 60th percentile. They were able to get some really cute 3D facial shots of both babies for my IPs.
Unfortunately, my cervix check didn't go as well as I was hoping. It measured in at 2.9 cm (down from over 4 just three weeks ago). My doctor said that they normally don't start worrying about pre-term labor until it gets down below 2.5, but since it was such a drastic decrease in length from the last measurement they want to increase my monitoring to every two weeks. So I have a quick transvaginal ultrasound appointment for two weeks from now just to check on the length. I'm hoping it will hold steady for a while. Logically I know that there is nothing that I did to decrease my cervical length, but I can't help but worry a little bit that my body is going to let these babies down or that I'm going to get stuck on bed rest for months. It's not like I've been doing any weight lifting or intense exercise up to this point, and the doctor did not give me any activity restrictions, but I'm going to make sure that I take extra time to relax and put my feet up from here on out.
Other than the cervical length issue, the rest of my checkup went fine. Normal weight gain and blood pressure, and my belly is currently measuring one week ahead at about 23 weeks (not as bad as I was fearing).
The bad part came at the end of the appointment, when a high-risk Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor basically barged in at the end and demanded that he supervise a re-scan of the babies. I'm not sure how he managed to wiggle his way onto my case, since my OB did not invite him and was clearly annoyed that he was there. So we had to go back and do another ultrasound while he watched what the tech did. He started rattling off all sorts of defects/complications that we were at an elevated risk for since we not only had an IVF pregnancy, or twins, but BOTH. After mentioning a life-threatening complication, he would say, "there's about a 1% chance of that." Um, ok then why are we worrying about it, especially since the scan was not showing any indication that either baby had these problems. He told us we needed to get an echo on the hearts of the babies with him in 4 weeks (a lowly ultrasound tech is apparently not good enough to spot the heart defects that our IVF babies clearly have despite the fact that everything looks perfect). Needless to say, my IPs went from being happy and excited to freaked out in 5 minutes flat.
Even worse was the fact that he was completely unprofessional throughout the scan. He said things like, "Thanks, for being skinny, unlike all my other patients. It makes it much easier to see things on the ultrasound." and "well if you can keep Baby A head down you should be on track for a vaginal delivery. Unless of course your uterus is screwed up some other way." Since this doctor apparently only works on Thursday afternoons, he made us schedule an ultrasound for four weeks out. Our OB unfortunately isn't working that afternoon, so then we had to schedule a regular OB appointment with a stranger, which my IPs were extremely unhappy about.
If this were my own pregnancy, I would have told this guy where he could stick his ultrasound wand and called it a day, never thinking about him again. But I have tried so hard to to find good doctors and give my IPs the most positive pregnancy experience possible, and having this guy waltz in and treat us in such an appalling manner really brought out my mama bear instincts and I have been on a slow burn ever since. After talking with my IPs we decided that they still would really like to have an echo done just to be on the safe side, but we all agree we should find someone else to do it and make sure we can get an OB appointment with our usual doctor. In the future, I'm going to try to avoid scheduling any more appointments for Thursdays so we never come across this jerk again.
About the appointment. It was a bit of a mixed bag. I have already vented about it to my IPs, my husband, my agency, my mom, and my online surrogacy forum support group. I'm going to recap it one more time on this blog, and then let it go. It's not good to have all the bad energy hanging over me while I'm growing these little beauties.
The most important thing we learned at the appointment was that the babies are still looking great. They are growing just as they should, and all their organs look perfect. After some prodding from the tech, we were finally able to get Baby B to move into a position where we could get the measurements we needed for his heart. Baby A was a wild thing in there, and Baby B was much more laid back. It will be interesting to see if those personalities hold once they are out in the real world! I forget what the exact estimated weights were, but Baby A was in the 50th percentile and Baby B was in the 60th percentile. They were able to get some really cute 3D facial shots of both babies for my IPs.
Unfortunately, my cervix check didn't go as well as I was hoping. It measured in at 2.9 cm (down from over 4 just three weeks ago). My doctor said that they normally don't start worrying about pre-term labor until it gets down below 2.5, but since it was such a drastic decrease in length from the last measurement they want to increase my monitoring to every two weeks. So I have a quick transvaginal ultrasound appointment for two weeks from now just to check on the length. I'm hoping it will hold steady for a while. Logically I know that there is nothing that I did to decrease my cervical length, but I can't help but worry a little bit that my body is going to let these babies down or that I'm going to get stuck on bed rest for months. It's not like I've been doing any weight lifting or intense exercise up to this point, and the doctor did not give me any activity restrictions, but I'm going to make sure that I take extra time to relax and put my feet up from here on out.
Other than the cervical length issue, the rest of my checkup went fine. Normal weight gain and blood pressure, and my belly is currently measuring one week ahead at about 23 weeks (not as bad as I was fearing).
The bad part came at the end of the appointment, when a high-risk Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor basically barged in at the end and demanded that he supervise a re-scan of the babies. I'm not sure how he managed to wiggle his way onto my case, since my OB did not invite him and was clearly annoyed that he was there. So we had to go back and do another ultrasound while he watched what the tech did. He started rattling off all sorts of defects/complications that we were at an elevated risk for since we not only had an IVF pregnancy, or twins, but BOTH. After mentioning a life-threatening complication, he would say, "there's about a 1% chance of that." Um, ok then why are we worrying about it, especially since the scan was not showing any indication that either baby had these problems. He told us we needed to get an echo on the hearts of the babies with him in 4 weeks (a lowly ultrasound tech is apparently not good enough to spot the heart defects that our IVF babies clearly have despite the fact that everything looks perfect). Needless to say, my IPs went from being happy and excited to freaked out in 5 minutes flat.
Even worse was the fact that he was completely unprofessional throughout the scan. He said things like, "Thanks, for being skinny, unlike all my other patients. It makes it much easier to see things on the ultrasound." and "well if you can keep Baby A head down you should be on track for a vaginal delivery. Unless of course your uterus is screwed up some other way." Since this doctor apparently only works on Thursday afternoons, he made us schedule an ultrasound for four weeks out. Our OB unfortunately isn't working that afternoon, so then we had to schedule a regular OB appointment with a stranger, which my IPs were extremely unhappy about.
If this were my own pregnancy, I would have told this guy where he could stick his ultrasound wand and called it a day, never thinking about him again. But I have tried so hard to to find good doctors and give my IPs the most positive pregnancy experience possible, and having this guy waltz in and treat us in such an appalling manner really brought out my mama bear instincts and I have been on a slow burn ever since. After talking with my IPs we decided that they still would really like to have an echo done just to be on the safe side, but we all agree we should find someone else to do it and make sure we can get an OB appointment with our usual doctor. In the future, I'm going to try to avoid scheduling any more appointments for Thursdays so we never come across this jerk again.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Halfway Point Check-In: How am I Doing?
Up to now, I've only been talking about my physical pregnancy symptoms as the weeks go by. I thought I'd change it up, and talk about a subject more people considering surrogacy might actually care about.
Now that there is no more disguising that I am pregnant, I have been telling a lot more people about the surrogacy. In addition to friends and family (most of whom knew when I was way back in the planning stages), I have let coworkers, my daycare teachers, and casual acquaintances in on the scoop. I have been pleasantly surprised by the fact that people's reactions have been overwhelmingly positive. I have had some inappropriate questions, but only because people are curious and sometimes excited to meet a "real" surrogate for the first time. It's really interesting to see some people's reactions because they are trying to fit what they know of me into their existing mental picture of what a surrogate is (which, thanks to the media, is not always the most positive image). Even with people who blurt out totally inappropriate questions, I haven't had to deal with any condescension or negativity, and for that I'm thankful. I don't mind answering questions that come from the place of genuine curiosity or caring. And it also makes me grateful that I am surrounded by such positive and accepting people, because I know that not everyone is like that.
Even though people have been positive, there are people who have had concerns - mainly about my feelings through the process. People have showed concern in this area in various ways: asking how I feel about the babies this time, asking if it will be sad to come home alone this time, asking what I plan to do after the babies are born. Another recurring question is, how does my husband feel about the whole process? Basically, people just want to make sure that emotionally, we are both doing OK.
I can't answer for my husband (although maybe I can talk him into doing a guest post later???), but I will say that it takes a very special man to be able to support his wife through something like this. He has been there for me every step of the way, from being a sounding board during my screening/contract phase frustrations, to picking up my slack when I was too tired to do anything the first trimester, to dealing with my pregnancy symptoms without complaining (in addition to the expected, apparently I snore while pregnant - I found him sleeping in the other room the other night). I could never make it through this without him as my partner, and I'm so grateful to him for all he does for me.
And now I'm finally getting to the point of my post: how am I doing? The answer is, I'm doing great! I haven't had any second thoughts about how I would feel during my entire journey. This pregnancy continues to be completely different emotionally for me than my last pregnancy. I love seeing the ultrasounds because I think it's such a miracle to see those tiny little blobs turning into people before our eyes. But I don't feel any sort of emotional attachment to the babies. Instead, I revel in the fact that I get to see those emotions on the faces of my IPs when look at their children on the screen. Now that I'm feeling them kick, I feel like I'm getting to the fun part of the pregnancy. The part where you get to stop worrying that something is wrong, because the babies periodically remind you that they are in there moving around. But those little kicks haven't changed my feelings towards the babies. Every time I'm able to feel a kick on the outside, I think about how exciting it's going to be when my IPs get to feel that for the first time.
And as far as leaving the hospital empty handed? I'll be perfectly honest. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think to myself how glad I am that these two babies are not coming home with me at the end of this journey. There are times when I am so happy that one toddler is all I have to deal with. As I attempt to buckle my little bucking bronco into her car seat against her will, I think to myself, "what if I had to do this THREE times?" Or when she tears through the house like a tornado, leaving nothing but destruction in her wake, I wonder how I could possibly contain her if I had to stop and feed/change two newborns.
But it's not just the harder times that make me glad I'm going to remain a mother of one, it's also the best times. Like yesterday afternoon, when my daughter and I were laying in the hammock, celebrating the arrival (finally) of spring. We were just relaxing, with her cuddled up against me, and I was thinking, "I love that it's just the two of us." And now that she is learning and growing every day, learning to say things like "I loo" (I love you) and "Goo Giwl!" (if she manages to get her shoes on her feet), I think of how fast she is changing and that I don't want to miss a minute of it. Maybe it's because I'm a working mother and don't get to be with her all day every day, but I feel selfish with my time with her. I don't want to share her with anyone else because I just want to soak in her wonderful baby-ness before she grows out of it. If I were planning a nursery, picking out names, and generally obsessing over another impending arrival, I feel like my brain would be too cluttered to notice the little things she does every day that make being her mother such a joy. And if I were to become a mother of 3 kids under 2 years old? I would totally be in survival mode and would miss out on the best part of being a mother to all three of them. Although I would like to have another child eventually, I am so happy that she is going to be my only "baby" for a little while longer.
Giving the gift of of being a mother is the primary reason why I went into surrogacy in the first place. Watching my IM become a mother after so many years of waiting is what I am looking forward to most about this journey. I can't wait until my IPs get to experience all the joys and frustrations that I get to experience on a daily basis. I'm not going to bury my head in the sand and think that I'll be 100% fine in the days and weeks immediately after giving birth. I will be at the mercy of my hormones as they try to rebalance, just like I was last time. (I spent a lot of time just randomly crying after the birth of my last child for no particular reason, other than I just needed a good cry). It will also mark the end of my role in something that has consumed a large part of my thoughts and time for over a year now. I'm sure it will take some time for me to adjust back to my life as "just" me, before this crazy journey started. But I'm also not even a little bit afraid that I will have trouble saying goodbye to the babies when it comes time. I just can't wait for them to meet their parents.
Now that there is no more disguising that I am pregnant, I have been telling a lot more people about the surrogacy. In addition to friends and family (most of whom knew when I was way back in the planning stages), I have let coworkers, my daycare teachers, and casual acquaintances in on the scoop. I have been pleasantly surprised by the fact that people's reactions have been overwhelmingly positive. I have had some inappropriate questions, but only because people are curious and sometimes excited to meet a "real" surrogate for the first time. It's really interesting to see some people's reactions because they are trying to fit what they know of me into their existing mental picture of what a surrogate is (which, thanks to the media, is not always the most positive image). Even with people who blurt out totally inappropriate questions, I haven't had to deal with any condescension or negativity, and for that I'm thankful. I don't mind answering questions that come from the place of genuine curiosity or caring. And it also makes me grateful that I am surrounded by such positive and accepting people, because I know that not everyone is like that.
Even though people have been positive, there are people who have had concerns - mainly about my feelings through the process. People have showed concern in this area in various ways: asking how I feel about the babies this time, asking if it will be sad to come home alone this time, asking what I plan to do after the babies are born. Another recurring question is, how does my husband feel about the whole process? Basically, people just want to make sure that emotionally, we are both doing OK.
I can't answer for my husband (although maybe I can talk him into doing a guest post later???), but I will say that it takes a very special man to be able to support his wife through something like this. He has been there for me every step of the way, from being a sounding board during my screening/contract phase frustrations, to picking up my slack when I was too tired to do anything the first trimester, to dealing with my pregnancy symptoms without complaining (in addition to the expected, apparently I snore while pregnant - I found him sleeping in the other room the other night). I could never make it through this without him as my partner, and I'm so grateful to him for all he does for me.
And now I'm finally getting to the point of my post: how am I doing? The answer is, I'm doing great! I haven't had any second thoughts about how I would feel during my entire journey. This pregnancy continues to be completely different emotionally for me than my last pregnancy. I love seeing the ultrasounds because I think it's such a miracle to see those tiny little blobs turning into people before our eyes. But I don't feel any sort of emotional attachment to the babies. Instead, I revel in the fact that I get to see those emotions on the faces of my IPs when look at their children on the screen. Now that I'm feeling them kick, I feel like I'm getting to the fun part of the pregnancy. The part where you get to stop worrying that something is wrong, because the babies periodically remind you that they are in there moving around. But those little kicks haven't changed my feelings towards the babies. Every time I'm able to feel a kick on the outside, I think about how exciting it's going to be when my IPs get to feel that for the first time.
And as far as leaving the hospital empty handed? I'll be perfectly honest. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think to myself how glad I am that these two babies are not coming home with me at the end of this journey. There are times when I am so happy that one toddler is all I have to deal with. As I attempt to buckle my little bucking bronco into her car seat against her will, I think to myself, "what if I had to do this THREE times?" Or when she tears through the house like a tornado, leaving nothing but destruction in her wake, I wonder how I could possibly contain her if I had to stop and feed/change two newborns.
But it's not just the harder times that make me glad I'm going to remain a mother of one, it's also the best times. Like yesterday afternoon, when my daughter and I were laying in the hammock, celebrating the arrival (finally) of spring. We were just relaxing, with her cuddled up against me, and I was thinking, "I love that it's just the two of us." And now that she is learning and growing every day, learning to say things like "I loo" (I love you) and "Goo Giwl!" (if she manages to get her shoes on her feet), I think of how fast she is changing and that I don't want to miss a minute of it. Maybe it's because I'm a working mother and don't get to be with her all day every day, but I feel selfish with my time with her. I don't want to share her with anyone else because I just want to soak in her wonderful baby-ness before she grows out of it. If I were planning a nursery, picking out names, and generally obsessing over another impending arrival, I feel like my brain would be too cluttered to notice the little things she does every day that make being her mother such a joy. And if I were to become a mother of 3 kids under 2 years old? I would totally be in survival mode and would miss out on the best part of being a mother to all three of them. Although I would like to have another child eventually, I am so happy that she is going to be my only "baby" for a little while longer.
Giving the gift of of being a mother is the primary reason why I went into surrogacy in the first place. Watching my IM become a mother after so many years of waiting is what I am looking forward to most about this journey. I can't wait until my IPs get to experience all the joys and frustrations that I get to experience on a daily basis. I'm not going to bury my head in the sand and think that I'll be 100% fine in the days and weeks immediately after giving birth. I will be at the mercy of my hormones as they try to rebalance, just like I was last time. (I spent a lot of time just randomly crying after the birth of my last child for no particular reason, other than I just needed a good cry). It will also mark the end of my role in something that has consumed a large part of my thoughts and time for over a year now. I'm sure it will take some time for me to adjust back to my life as "just" me, before this crazy journey started. But I'm also not even a little bit afraid that I will have trouble saying goodbye to the babies when it comes time. I just can't wait for them to meet their parents.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Guess I Should Have Knocked on Wood...
...a little bit harder! I had my first pregnancy puke, ever, this morning. It's my own fault though. Last pregnancy I avoided citrus fruits the whole time because they made me feel gaggy. Last night right before bed, I decided that instead of eating something blander and more substantial, it would be a good idea to eat an orange. This morning I upchucked orange juice. Needless to say, citrus will not be making another appearance on the menu for this pregnancy either.
Normally I'm very strong stomached (I mean, I've had food poisoning without throwing up - twice!), so even though I felt nauseous beforehand, I was still shocked when I actually threw up. I'm still not feeling so hot today, and really hoping I don't embarrass myself with a trash can puke at work. I thought by making it past the 10 week mark with no symptoms I would be in the clear, but no such luck.
Other than that, things are still going well. I've been feeling good, other than this morning. I'm just starting to get the tiniest baby bump, but I don't think anyone but me would be able to tell yet. I have been spotting at least a little bit almost every day for the past few weeks, but I've pretty much gotten over being worried about it. I'm just hoping that the SCH resolves itself soon so the biggest perk of pregnancy (not bleeding for 9 months) doesn't pass me by completely.
In other news, I have been meds free for 2 days now! I'm really enjoying not having to remember to take my meds every night, and I'm not missing the nasty suppositories one bit!
Only 9 more days until the next ultrasound and our first OB appointment! I'm excited to get to that stage and to see my IPs again when they come down for the the appointment. I'm also making a list of questions to ask my OB to make sure she is the right match for me. Number 1 on my list is finding someone who is supportive of vaginal delivery of twins (I don't think I should have to go through a major abdominal surgery just because it's easier for the doctor), and I'm thinking of already making a case for letting my husband and both my IPs in the operating room for delivery (most likely I will have to deliver in the operating room just in case, even if it's a vaginal delivery). I figure if I start fighting the strict 1 support person rule now, I might be able to get an exception for us. I suspect we will be the first ever surrogacy situation at the hospital, so I'd like to work to set a good precedent for others!
Normally I'm very strong stomached (I mean, I've had food poisoning without throwing up - twice!), so even though I felt nauseous beforehand, I was still shocked when I actually threw up. I'm still not feeling so hot today, and really hoping I don't embarrass myself with a trash can puke at work. I thought by making it past the 10 week mark with no symptoms I would be in the clear, but no such luck.
Other than that, things are still going well. I've been feeling good, other than this morning. I'm just starting to get the tiniest baby bump, but I don't think anyone but me would be able to tell yet. I have been spotting at least a little bit almost every day for the past few weeks, but I've pretty much gotten over being worried about it. I'm just hoping that the SCH resolves itself soon so the biggest perk of pregnancy (not bleeding for 9 months) doesn't pass me by completely.
In other news, I have been meds free for 2 days now! I'm really enjoying not having to remember to take my meds every night, and I'm not missing the nasty suppositories one bit!
Only 9 more days until the next ultrasound and our first OB appointment! I'm excited to get to that stage and to see my IPs again when they come down for the the appointment. I'm also making a list of questions to ask my OB to make sure she is the right match for me. Number 1 on my list is finding someone who is supportive of vaginal delivery of twins (I don't think I should have to go through a major abdominal surgery just because it's easier for the doctor), and I'm thinking of already making a case for letting my husband and both my IPs in the operating room for delivery (most likely I will have to deliver in the operating room just in case, even if it's a vaginal delivery). I figure if I start fighting the strict 1 support person rule now, I might be able to get an exception for us. I suspect we will be the first ever surrogacy situation at the hospital, so I'd like to work to set a good precedent for others!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Oh Wait...I'm Pregnant
Before starting this journey, lots of people asked me, and I wondered myself, how would I feel about carrying a baby that wasn't mine? I'm sure things can and will change as I get farther along, but honestly, there are times that I totally forget I'm even pregnant.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I couldn't concentrate on anything for days. I probably spent 7 out of my 8 work hours browsing pregnancy internet chat rooms and baby name websites. My feelings wavered between elation and terror, amazed that I was going to be responsible for a whole human being in 9 months. When I found out I was pregnant this time, I smiled, decided it was too early to call my IPs yet, and jumped in the shower to get ready for work. Other that the necessary tasks that occupy my day, such as coordinating with doctors, labs, and my agency, I really don't think about the pregnancy at all. This might have something to do with the fact that this is my second as opposed to first pregnancy, but I think it mainly has to do with the fact that once I pop this kid out, I don't have to worry about it anymore.
I often find myself thinking things like: "Aww, look at that cute pregnant belly on that lady. She is so lucky. Oh wait...I'm pregnant too!" "Why do my boobs hurt? Oh yeah, I'm pregnant." "Time for me to carry this huge box of crap to the basement. Oh wait, I shouldn't do that, I'm pregnant."
It really is totally different this time around. Last time I spent my time thinking about how my life would change to include a newborn. Now, while I'm sure my IPs' thoughts are consumed with that sort of stuff, I have my own family to focus on. I have a toddler who has recently discovered that she has her own opinions which sometimes differ than my opinions, and she is having trouble learning how to deal with her disappointment when things don't go her way. I have a husband who I don't see for days at a time, and who will be starting school again in January, and I want to make the most of my time with him when I do have him around. I have my own problems, joys, challenges, and goals, and none of them include a baby.
When I do stop to think about the pregnancy now, it's to worry about whether I am carrying one or two babies. I agreed to transfer two embryos and carry two babies if they both took. If that's what happened, I will put on my brave face and protect those little peanuts as well and for as long as I can. But if I'm being honest, I'm really, really scared of twins and all the added risks that come with them: elevated risks of pregnancy complications, preterm babies, bed rest and c-section. I scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday, January 9, and we will find out for sure how many kiddos are cooking in there. After that, I will know what I'm facing and will be able to move forward!
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I couldn't concentrate on anything for days. I probably spent 7 out of my 8 work hours browsing pregnancy internet chat rooms and baby name websites. My feelings wavered between elation and terror, amazed that I was going to be responsible for a whole human being in 9 months. When I found out I was pregnant this time, I smiled, decided it was too early to call my IPs yet, and jumped in the shower to get ready for work. Other that the necessary tasks that occupy my day, such as coordinating with doctors, labs, and my agency, I really don't think about the pregnancy at all. This might have something to do with the fact that this is my second as opposed to first pregnancy, but I think it mainly has to do with the fact that once I pop this kid out, I don't have to worry about it anymore.
I often find myself thinking things like: "Aww, look at that cute pregnant belly on that lady. She is so lucky. Oh wait...I'm pregnant too!" "Why do my boobs hurt? Oh yeah, I'm pregnant." "Time for me to carry this huge box of crap to the basement. Oh wait, I shouldn't do that, I'm pregnant."
It really is totally different this time around. Last time I spent my time thinking about how my life would change to include a newborn. Now, while I'm sure my IPs' thoughts are consumed with that sort of stuff, I have my own family to focus on. I have a toddler who has recently discovered that she has her own opinions which sometimes differ than my opinions, and she is having trouble learning how to deal with her disappointment when things don't go her way. I have a husband who I don't see for days at a time, and who will be starting school again in January, and I want to make the most of my time with him when I do have him around. I have my own problems, joys, challenges, and goals, and none of them include a baby.
When I do stop to think about the pregnancy now, it's to worry about whether I am carrying one or two babies. I agreed to transfer two embryos and carry two babies if they both took. If that's what happened, I will put on my brave face and protect those little peanuts as well and for as long as I can. But if I'm being honest, I'm really, really scared of twins and all the added risks that come with them: elevated risks of pregnancy complications, preterm babies, bed rest and c-section. I scheduled my ultrasound for Wednesday, January 9, and we will find out for sure how many kiddos are cooking in there. After that, I will know what I'm facing and will be able to move forward!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Checking In
I don't really have too much to update, but I'm getting excited that transfer is right around the corner now!
I have been on the estrogen patches for a week now. I haven't really noticed any huge side affects from the meds. The headaches and weird sleep patterns seem to have gone away completely with the reduction in my lupron. The only things I'm noticing from the estrogen is that my [TMI WARNING] discharge has increased to the point it normally is right before I ovulate on my own, and my sex drive has been given a nice little boost (which the husband is appreciating). Also, I'm not sure if it's all in my head or not, but sometimes my uterus feels "heavy" - I don't really know how to describe it other than that. I'm hoping that these signs mean that the estrogen is doing what it should and my lining will be nice and thick at my appointment tomorrow morning.
On the docket for tomorrow are a transvaginal ultrasound to check my lining thickness (8mm+ is transfer-ready) and pattern (something called triple-stripe is ideal here) and bloodwork to check my estrogen levels. Assuming everything looks good, I bump my estrogen patches up from 2 to 4, and keep everything else the same. Then I will have one more lining check a week from today to make sure it's thick enough for transfer.
In other news, the donor has started her stimulation meds without incident, and is expected to be ready for retrieval between December 4th and 6th...that means it could be as little as a week from today, people! Depending on how many eggs they retrieve (10-20 is the normal range for an egg donor) and how many of those fertilize and begin to grow, I will either have a 3 day or 5 day transfer. I can't remember if I explained this before, so if I'm being redundant forgive me. The hope is for a 5 day transfer, because it gives the doctors lots of time to separate the strong embryos from the weak ones and allows them to put in the best ones, ultimately increasing chances of success. However, if there aren't very many embryos to work with or they are looking weak, they will transfer them after 3 days. The worry here is that they will all fizzle out before 5 days and there will be nothing to transfer - and a nice, warm, sticky uterus gives a weak embryo a better shot of making it than keeping it in a lab environment for too long.
I am working with my agency to try to book travel plans, which has proved a bit challenging considering we won't know when the retrieval will be until 2 days before, and we won't find out if it's a 3 or 5 day transfer until day 2. Since I'm a wussy and I can't handle 5+ hours of night driving all by myself, I am going to fly up. Luckily the best airline of all (I won't name names but it rhymes with Mouthrest), has lots of flights between St. Louis and Chicago and no change fees! So our current plan is to assume the donor will be transferring the 4th and I will need a 3 day transfer, and then at the last minute pushing the flight back when that turns out to not be the case. We know how to keep things exciting!
I will update once I get the results of my appointment tomorrow!
I have been on the estrogen patches for a week now. I haven't really noticed any huge side affects from the meds. The headaches and weird sleep patterns seem to have gone away completely with the reduction in my lupron. The only things I'm noticing from the estrogen is that my [TMI WARNING] discharge has increased to the point it normally is right before I ovulate on my own, and my sex drive has been given a nice little boost (which the husband is appreciating). Also, I'm not sure if it's all in my head or not, but sometimes my uterus feels "heavy" - I don't really know how to describe it other than that. I'm hoping that these signs mean that the estrogen is doing what it should and my lining will be nice and thick at my appointment tomorrow morning.
On the docket for tomorrow are a transvaginal ultrasound to check my lining thickness (8mm+ is transfer-ready) and pattern (something called triple-stripe is ideal here) and bloodwork to check my estrogen levels. Assuming everything looks good, I bump my estrogen patches up from 2 to 4, and keep everything else the same. Then I will have one more lining check a week from today to make sure it's thick enough for transfer.
In other news, the donor has started her stimulation meds without incident, and is expected to be ready for retrieval between December 4th and 6th...that means it could be as little as a week from today, people! Depending on how many eggs they retrieve (10-20 is the normal range for an egg donor) and how many of those fertilize and begin to grow, I will either have a 3 day or 5 day transfer. I can't remember if I explained this before, so if I'm being redundant forgive me. The hope is for a 5 day transfer, because it gives the doctors lots of time to separate the strong embryos from the weak ones and allows them to put in the best ones, ultimately increasing chances of success. However, if there aren't very many embryos to work with or they are looking weak, they will transfer them after 3 days. The worry here is that they will all fizzle out before 5 days and there will be nothing to transfer - and a nice, warm, sticky uterus gives a weak embryo a better shot of making it than keeping it in a lab environment for too long.
I am working with my agency to try to book travel plans, which has proved a bit challenging considering we won't know when the retrieval will be until 2 days before, and we won't find out if it's a 3 or 5 day transfer until day 2. Since I'm a wussy and I can't handle 5+ hours of night driving all by myself, I am going to fly up. Luckily the best airline of all (I won't name names but it rhymes with Mouthrest), has lots of flights between St. Louis and Chicago and no change fees! So our current plan is to assume the donor will be transferring the 4th and I will need a 3 day transfer, and then at the last minute pushing the flight back when that turns out to not be the case. We know how to keep things exciting!
I will update once I get the results of my appointment tomorrow!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
A Tutorial on Surrogate IVF Meds
Before I start in on this, I would like to remind everyone that I am not a doctor. This information is from what has been explained to me by my fertility doctors and gathered off the internet. Also, my only experience is with the surrogate end of the IVF spectrum. I know nothing about the egg donor portion or someone doing IVF for herself, where in both cases you would be stimulating large numbers of your own eggs for harvesting. Since I am a gestational surrogate and my genetic material will not be used in creating this baby, the goal is the exact opposite - temporarily shutting my ovaries down so I don't ovulate and accidentally get pregnant with my own child.
As a further note, my meds will not be the same as another surrogate's meds. Each doctor/clinic has their own protocol that they like to use. The medications come in the form of injections, tablets to be ingested orally or inserted vaginally, and patches, or any combination of these. Heck, there may be some system of administration I don't even know about.
Here is a list of the meds I will be taking along with a brief (maybe) description of their purpose:
Birth Control Pills
The point of birth control pills is to hormonally regulate your cycle so they can sync you up with whoever is providing the eggs, which in my case is an egg donor. Since embryos cannot live indefinitely on their own, it's imperative that my body be ready to receive them within 3-5 days after they are harvested from the donor. So what they do is have you on active only birth control pills (the first three weeks in the pack) continually until they are ready to prep your body to receive the embryos. I have been on active only birth control pills since August. In theory, you should not get your period during this time. In my case, my period waited two weeks and then came anyway, and I have been spotting ever since. So I've had a not-quite-period for over 4 weeks now. Yay me! Once I am established on the next drug, lupron, I will stop taking the birth control pills.
Lupron
Lupron is the drug that I will begin taking tomorrow. Its purpose is to inhibit the hormones that the body normally secretes leading up to ovulation, basically putting the ovaries to sleep for a while. It is delivered with a subcutaneous injection (like insulin shots for diabetics). I have to take this shot every day between 6 and 10pm. Possible side effects include: hot flashes, weight gain, migraines, and extreme moodiness. Basically, the same as if I were to suddenly become menopausal. Luckily I will only be on this drug for about 4 weeks.
Estrogen
Once the body is on lupron, it will not ovulate on its own. Unfortunately, that also means that it will not prepare itself for possible pregnancy by thickening the uterine lining. So once we have shut down the body's ability to prepare itself naturally, we need to reintroduce estrogen so that the uterus will be nice and thick for embryo implantation. I will be using Vivelle estrogen patches to accomplish this goal. In the weeks leading up to the embryo transfer, I will have a couple of ultrasounds to make sure my lining is thickening properly. If it looks like I need a little boost, I will also be put on Estrace tablets (which are taken either orally or vaginally depending on how much they need to be absorbed) to thicken my lining some more. I will remain on these throughout the first several weeks of pregnancy until my body wakes up, realizes it's pregnant, and starts producing estrogen on its own.
Baby Aspirin
At the time I start taking estrogen to thicken my lining, I am also supposed to take a daily dose of baby aspirin. In addition to preventing blood clots (which some of the other drugs can increase the risk of), it also increases blood flow to the uterus and helps make the lining nice and thick.
Progesterone in Oil (PIO)
This is the drug that everyone fears, the ones that come with the big bad needles. Normally once you ovulate, your body naturally produces progesterone to prepare your uterine lining for implantation (make it nice and sticky, so to speak). Once a pregnancy is achieved, the body produces increased levels of progesterone to help the embryo hold on and develop the placenta. If a pregnancy is not achieved, progesterone levels drop, and the lining is shed (resulting in a woman's menstrual period). Since in my case I won't ovulate, it is VERY VERY important for me to artificially keep my progesterone levels elevated. If they drop, I will automatically miscarry.
That's where the progesterone in oil comes in. It is delivered by intramuscular injection, meaning that the needle needs to be big enough to get it all the way through the layers of skin and into the muscle. It is also suspended in oil, which means it is very thick, hard to administer, and can leave large lumps under the skin where it was injected. It is most commonly injected into the hip/butt area. I will also have to remain on this drug for the first several weeks of pregnancy. Eventually, the placenta begins producing its own progesterone, and I will no longer need to substitute artificially.
I have found that most surrogates have to take daily injections of PIO. Luckily for me, my doctor's protocol only requires me to have one of these shots every 3 days (which means each cheek will only have to be assaulted every 6 days)! Why? Because I will be also taking progesterone in another form...
Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories
I will be using Endometrin vaginal insert tablets twice a day until my body is producing enough progesterone to sustain the pregnancy on its own. These essentially do the same thing as the PIO shots, which different side effects: discharge and possible irritation. When the nurse coordinator was going over all of the drugs with me, she told me these are actually what she gets the most complaints about. Maybe this is because her surros don't have to take shots as often as most? I don't know.
In addition to these main drugs, I also received in my box of wonders some prenatal vitamins, antibiotics (to prevent any infection that could be caused during the actual embryo transfer), and Valium (which is something I can opt to take to help me relax before the transfer procedure).
Let me know if you have any questions of if I was way off base somewhere!
As a further note, my meds will not be the same as another surrogate's meds. Each doctor/clinic has their own protocol that they like to use. The medications come in the form of injections, tablets to be ingested orally or inserted vaginally, and patches, or any combination of these. Heck, there may be some system of administration I don't even know about.
Here is a list of the meds I will be taking along with a brief (maybe) description of their purpose:
Birth Control Pills
The point of birth control pills is to hormonally regulate your cycle so they can sync you up with whoever is providing the eggs, which in my case is an egg donor. Since embryos cannot live indefinitely on their own, it's imperative that my body be ready to receive them within 3-5 days after they are harvested from the donor. So what they do is have you on active only birth control pills (the first three weeks in the pack) continually until they are ready to prep your body to receive the embryos. I have been on active only birth control pills since August. In theory, you should not get your period during this time. In my case, my period waited two weeks and then came anyway, and I have been spotting ever since. So I've had a not-quite-period for over 4 weeks now. Yay me! Once I am established on the next drug, lupron, I will stop taking the birth control pills.
Lupron
Lupron is the drug that I will begin taking tomorrow. Its purpose is to inhibit the hormones that the body normally secretes leading up to ovulation, basically putting the ovaries to sleep for a while. It is delivered with a subcutaneous injection (like insulin shots for diabetics). I have to take this shot every day between 6 and 10pm. Possible side effects include: hot flashes, weight gain, migraines, and extreme moodiness. Basically, the same as if I were to suddenly become menopausal. Luckily I will only be on this drug for about 4 weeks.
Estrogen
Once the body is on lupron, it will not ovulate on its own. Unfortunately, that also means that it will not prepare itself for possible pregnancy by thickening the uterine lining. So once we have shut down the body's ability to prepare itself naturally, we need to reintroduce estrogen so that the uterus will be nice and thick for embryo implantation. I will be using Vivelle estrogen patches to accomplish this goal. In the weeks leading up to the embryo transfer, I will have a couple of ultrasounds to make sure my lining is thickening properly. If it looks like I need a little boost, I will also be put on Estrace tablets (which are taken either orally or vaginally depending on how much they need to be absorbed) to thicken my lining some more. I will remain on these throughout the first several weeks of pregnancy until my body wakes up, realizes it's pregnant, and starts producing estrogen on its own.
Baby Aspirin
At the time I start taking estrogen to thicken my lining, I am also supposed to take a daily dose of baby aspirin. In addition to preventing blood clots (which some of the other drugs can increase the risk of), it also increases blood flow to the uterus and helps make the lining nice and thick.
Progesterone in Oil (PIO)
This is the drug that everyone fears, the ones that come with the big bad needles. Normally once you ovulate, your body naturally produces progesterone to prepare your uterine lining for implantation (make it nice and sticky, so to speak). Once a pregnancy is achieved, the body produces increased levels of progesterone to help the embryo hold on and develop the placenta. If a pregnancy is not achieved, progesterone levels drop, and the lining is shed (resulting in a woman's menstrual period). Since in my case I won't ovulate, it is VERY VERY important for me to artificially keep my progesterone levels elevated. If they drop, I will automatically miscarry.
That's where the progesterone in oil comes in. It is delivered by intramuscular injection, meaning that the needle needs to be big enough to get it all the way through the layers of skin and into the muscle. It is also suspended in oil, which means it is very thick, hard to administer, and can leave large lumps under the skin where it was injected. It is most commonly injected into the hip/butt area. I will also have to remain on this drug for the first several weeks of pregnancy. Eventually, the placenta begins producing its own progesterone, and I will no longer need to substitute artificially.
I have found that most surrogates have to take daily injections of PIO. Luckily for me, my doctor's protocol only requires me to have one of these shots every 3 days (which means each cheek will only have to be assaulted every 6 days)! Why? Because I will be also taking progesterone in another form...
Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories
I will be using Endometrin vaginal insert tablets twice a day until my body is producing enough progesterone to sustain the pregnancy on its own. These essentially do the same thing as the PIO shots, which different side effects: discharge and possible irritation. When the nurse coordinator was going over all of the drugs with me, she told me these are actually what she gets the most complaints about. Maybe this is because her surros don't have to take shots as often as most? I don't know.
In addition to these main drugs, I also received in my box of wonders some prenatal vitamins, antibiotics (to prevent any infection that could be caused during the actual embryo transfer), and Valium (which is something I can opt to take to help me relax before the transfer procedure).
Let me know if you have any questions of if I was way off base somewhere!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
All Refreshed and Ready to Go!
Italy was lovely. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Here is a picture from my balcony in Sorrento (Homer's land of the Sirens), just to give you a taste of the beauty that is Italy:
Aside from being buried under piles of backed up paperwork at work, I'm feeling very refreshed. I'm spending every second I can get making up for missed time with my daughter and enjoying the fall weather with her. I'm also ready to get back on the crazy train that is surrogacy with a positive attitude!
Updates: the egg donor has her screening appointment today. The nurse coordinator actually forwarded me the tentative calendar, with me beginning injectible meds on November 9 and transferring somewhere between December 7-14. Although it's nice that this seems to be going forward, I'm trying not to get my hopes up and plans set just yet. This new donor is a first time donor so she has no previous donation history to complicate things, and she already had to do most of her screening to even be accepted by the agency. So, we are hopeful that everything will go OK. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that she doesn't test positive for cocaine or chlamydia, and that we can all be on our way to receiving some very merry Christmas news!
In other news, the contract is still being negotiated but it looks like we have all the issues worked out. Now we just have some nitpicking left to do, and we will hopefully get that thing signed in the next week or so.
As a side note, I realize that my last few posts have been a bit negative. I just want to go on the record and say that despite complications and disappointments along the way, I'm still just as excited to make my IPs parents as I was when I first started out. They are wonderful people who deserve to be parents, and I can't wait to be there on the day they meet their son or daughter!
Aside from being buried under piles of backed up paperwork at work, I'm feeling very refreshed. I'm spending every second I can get making up for missed time with my daughter and enjoying the fall weather with her. I'm also ready to get back on the crazy train that is surrogacy with a positive attitude!
Updates: the egg donor has her screening appointment today. The nurse coordinator actually forwarded me the tentative calendar, with me beginning injectible meds on November 9 and transferring somewhere between December 7-14. Although it's nice that this seems to be going forward, I'm trying not to get my hopes up and plans set just yet. This new donor is a first time donor so she has no previous donation history to complicate things, and she already had to do most of her screening to even be accepted by the agency. So, we are hopeful that everything will go OK. Let's all keep our fingers crossed that she doesn't test positive for cocaine or chlamydia, and that we can all be on our way to receiving some very merry Christmas news!
In other news, the contract is still being negotiated but it looks like we have all the issues worked out. Now we just have some nitpicking left to do, and we will hopefully get that thing signed in the next week or so.
As a side note, I realize that my last few posts have been a bit negative. I just want to go on the record and say that despite complications and disappointments along the way, I'm still just as excited to make my IPs parents as I was when I first started out. They are wonderful people who deserve to be parents, and I can't wait to be there on the day they meet their son or daughter!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Some More Details
When I decided to create a blog, I vowed to myself that I would be honest. No sugar coating things, not putting a positive spin. I wanted to have all of my real feelings, both physical and emotional, written down on (virtual) paper, both so that I could remember all the aspects of my journey, and so others that are considering surrogacy know what to expect. So, here I go.
Yes, we have been pushed back another month. It is what it is. It's disappointing. But there's really nothing we can do about it. What pushed me over the line from disappointment to outright fury, is the way our clinic handled the setback.
As I already said, I had emailed my coordinator to get my calendar, only to be told that the egg donor had not finished her screening yet. Upon asking when she would be done, I was told that her screening appointment is set for October 18. And she anticipated that we would transfer in December. Um, what? Since when? Two weeks ago she had told me the egg donor's screening would be finished up the last week of September. But there was no explanation of what happened. No apology for the delay. Not even an acknowledgement that this was a change in the original plans. Just bad news delivered in a two sentence email, which I had to prod out of her.
So I emailed my IF to vent. The worst part? He didn't even know! He had no idea the egg donor still hadn't been in for her screening yet. I can understand someone not bothering to tell me, I'm not the person paying the bills. But not even bothering to tell my IPs? Totally unacceptable. He then emailed to find out what happened. Again, no explanation for the delay, no apology, and no acknowledgment that there even WAS a delay. He tried asking if I could start meds in October as planned with the hope that the egg donor would pass her screening and we wouldn't have to lose a month. But because they expect her blood work to take 2 weeks to get back (um, mine took 3 days), she would have already had to start meds before they would know if she was cleared. So no go.
She told us that getting delayed a month "isn't a big deal." OK, maybe not for her. I'm sure it makes no difference to her whose embryos are being transferred in any given month. But now we've been delayed for 3 months. When I was starting this journey, I was planning to have a baby in late spring/early summer, and then having the rest of the summer to enjoy being with my family. Now, assuming the egg donor manages to pass her screening and I manage to get pregnant on the first try, I will be due with a baby at the very end of August. I cannot think of a more miserable time of the year to be hugely pregnant. Then there's the fact that I will be on a travel restriction for the entire summer...no vacations for us. It also means that I have to start all over again on trying to find childcare while I'm out of town for an embryo transfer. Believe me, making arrangements when you have a husband who works nights and will need a nighttime babysitter for 3 straight nights somewhere in a window of 8 days when you have no family nearby is hard enough to do once. Now I have to start over on this for the third time.
And all of my selfish reason aside, what about my IPs? Maybe being delayed for a month in the grand scheme of things isn't a big deal. But three months is a quarter of a year. A quarter of a year longer that they have to wait to hold their baby in their arms. They've already been trying for almost 9 years for this baby...don't they deserve a break?
Yes, we have been pushed back another month. It is what it is. It's disappointing. But there's really nothing we can do about it. What pushed me over the line from disappointment to outright fury, is the way our clinic handled the setback.
As I already said, I had emailed my coordinator to get my calendar, only to be told that the egg donor had not finished her screening yet. Upon asking when she would be done, I was told that her screening appointment is set for October 18. And she anticipated that we would transfer in December. Um, what? Since when? Two weeks ago she had told me the egg donor's screening would be finished up the last week of September. But there was no explanation of what happened. No apology for the delay. Not even an acknowledgement that this was a change in the original plans. Just bad news delivered in a two sentence email, which I had to prod out of her.
So I emailed my IF to vent. The worst part? He didn't even know! He had no idea the egg donor still hadn't been in for her screening yet. I can understand someone not bothering to tell me, I'm not the person paying the bills. But not even bothering to tell my IPs? Totally unacceptable. He then emailed to find out what happened. Again, no explanation for the delay, no apology, and no acknowledgment that there even WAS a delay. He tried asking if I could start meds in October as planned with the hope that the egg donor would pass her screening and we wouldn't have to lose a month. But because they expect her blood work to take 2 weeks to get back (um, mine took 3 days), she would have already had to start meds before they would know if she was cleared. So no go.
She told us that getting delayed a month "isn't a big deal." OK, maybe not for her. I'm sure it makes no difference to her whose embryos are being transferred in any given month. But now we've been delayed for 3 months. When I was starting this journey, I was planning to have a baby in late spring/early summer, and then having the rest of the summer to enjoy being with my family. Now, assuming the egg donor manages to pass her screening and I manage to get pregnant on the first try, I will be due with a baby at the very end of August. I cannot think of a more miserable time of the year to be hugely pregnant. Then there's the fact that I will be on a travel restriction for the entire summer...no vacations for us. It also means that I have to start all over again on trying to find childcare while I'm out of town for an embryo transfer. Believe me, making arrangements when you have a husband who works nights and will need a nighttime babysitter for 3 straight nights somewhere in a window of 8 days when you have no family nearby is hard enough to do once. Now I have to start over on this for the third time.
And all of my selfish reason aside, what about my IPs? Maybe being delayed for a month in the grand scheme of things isn't a big deal. But three months is a quarter of a year. A quarter of a year longer that they have to wait to hold their baby in their arms. They've already been trying for almost 9 years for this baby...don't they deserve a break?
Friday, July 27, 2012
Finding an Attorney
About a week before my med screening, I started looking for an attorney. My IPs have an attorney in Chicago who specializes in third party reproduction issues and has a great reputation. But my agency told me that since the baby will be born in Missouri, it's important for me to get an attorney in my state so that he/she can make sure the contract is in compliance with Missouri laws and standard procedures.
I'm sure it doesn't shock you to hear that there aren't really that many attorneys with experience in surrogacy issues. There is one very well known attorney who is THE go to person for dealing with surrogacy, particularly when it comes to getting your ducks in a row to establish parentage when the baby is born. So, it was a natural step to see if she could help with reviewing our contract as well. Well it turns out that her daughter is in business with her and is the one who reviews surrogacy contracts, and when we contacted her two weeks ago, she was 36 weeks pregnant with twins. She said that she would still represent me but might not have a lot of time to devote to her work soon (you think?!?). Since we have a deadline, we decided our best bet would be to find someone else.
Jesse from Pink & Blue recommended someone that she had heard was good, and I also mentioned someone else I had seen recommended on the online surrogacy forum I belong to. Unfortunately, neither of these men responded to our inquiry. After a couple of days, figuring that promptness probably won't be their priority if they can't even bother to respond to a new business request within a few days, I went searching for someone else. Luckily, there was one more attorney who was recommended to me by another surrogate in the St. Louis area as someone she has worked with for two surrogacy contracts. I made a call to her office, spoke with her assistant who 1) sounded positive about working with us, 2) recognized the woman who referred me by name, 3) confirmed that they have experience working with my IPs' attorney in the past, and 4) confirmed that she could help me get it done by our deadline. Yippee!
Now they have received all of my and my husband's information so they can open our file, and Jesse gave them all of the information regarding how they will receive payment. Jesse is sending the IPs' attorney over all of our information today so she can start the first draft, then it will be sent to my attorney for her and my review. I'm hopeful that this process will go smoothly. I don't feel like I'm too picky about any requests my IPs may have, and I don't think they are very picky either. We have to have the contracts done and signed by August 23!
I'm sure it doesn't shock you to hear that there aren't really that many attorneys with experience in surrogacy issues. There is one very well known attorney who is THE go to person for dealing with surrogacy, particularly when it comes to getting your ducks in a row to establish parentage when the baby is born. So, it was a natural step to see if she could help with reviewing our contract as well. Well it turns out that her daughter is in business with her and is the one who reviews surrogacy contracts, and when we contacted her two weeks ago, she was 36 weeks pregnant with twins. She said that she would still represent me but might not have a lot of time to devote to her work soon (you think?!?). Since we have a deadline, we decided our best bet would be to find someone else.
Jesse from Pink & Blue recommended someone that she had heard was good, and I also mentioned someone else I had seen recommended on the online surrogacy forum I belong to. Unfortunately, neither of these men responded to our inquiry. After a couple of days, figuring that promptness probably won't be their priority if they can't even bother to respond to a new business request within a few days, I went searching for someone else. Luckily, there was one more attorney who was recommended to me by another surrogate in the St. Louis area as someone she has worked with for two surrogacy contracts. I made a call to her office, spoke with her assistant who 1) sounded positive about working with us, 2) recognized the woman who referred me by name, 3) confirmed that they have experience working with my IPs' attorney in the past, and 4) confirmed that she could help me get it done by our deadline. Yippee!
Now they have received all of my and my husband's information so they can open our file, and Jesse gave them all of the information regarding how they will receive payment. Jesse is sending the IPs' attorney over all of our information today so she can start the first draft, then it will be sent to my attorney for her and my review. I'm hopeful that this process will go smoothly. I don't feel like I'm too picky about any requests my IPs may have, and I don't think they are very picky either. We have to have the contracts done and signed by August 23!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Opening Up
At first, this blog was just a private way for me to record what happens during this surrogacy journey. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this, and I didn't want to make my intentions public just to change my mind later. Now I feel like I'm past the point of no return. Even if things don't work out with these particular IPs, I am committed to the process. I have started sharing my intentions with some family members and friends, and brought it up to my doctor at my annual exam yesterday.
I want to share my story with others because when it comes to surrogacy, people are curious. Surrogacy has become much more common in the past several years, and most people have heard of it but don't have any personal experience with it. Even the doctor I spoke to yesterday said that their practice had never had a surrogate as a patient before. She reacted very positively and thought it would be a wonderful thing for their office to be involved in, and she had several questions about it. People wonder how it works, and why people choose to become a part of it, and I think that's a great thing.
As is usually the case, the news isn't the best place to get information on something like this. It seems that surrogacy is often sensationalized: IPs characterized as baby-hungry people taking advantage of poor, young girls, or surrogates looking for an easy way to make a quick buck, or focusing on the one-in-a-million cases of complicated custody battles. I'm hoping that this blog and the others I have linked on my page will help to educate anyone who is interested in finding out more about the process, and providing REAL insight into what goes on.
If you have questions, please don't hesitate to ask me! I am more than happy to answer any of your questions about surrogacy, and will post answers on my blog. Chances are that if you have a question, someone else out there is wondering the same thing. Thanks for following along with my journey!
I want to share my story with others because when it comes to surrogacy, people are curious. Surrogacy has become much more common in the past several years, and most people have heard of it but don't have any personal experience with it. Even the doctor I spoke to yesterday said that their practice had never had a surrogate as a patient before. She reacted very positively and thought it would be a wonderful thing for their office to be involved in, and she had several questions about it. People wonder how it works, and why people choose to become a part of it, and I think that's a great thing.
As is usually the case, the news isn't the best place to get information on something like this. It seems that surrogacy is often sensationalized: IPs characterized as baby-hungry people taking advantage of poor, young girls, or surrogates looking for an easy way to make a quick buck, or focusing on the one-in-a-million cases of complicated custody battles. I'm hoping that this blog and the others I have linked on my page will help to educate anyone who is interested in finding out more about the process, and providing REAL insight into what goes on.
If you have questions, please don't hesitate to ask me! I am more than happy to answer any of your questions about surrogacy, and will post answers on my blog. Chances are that if you have a question, someone else out there is wondering the same thing. Thanks for following along with my journey!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Conference Call
I had my conference call with the caseworker at the midwestern agency I had been talking to. She was very nice and I liked her a lot. She answered many of my questions and clarified some things for me.
For example, she clarified that Missouri does not, in fact, issue PBOs. This is something I had been attempting to research in the last few days and had gotten very confused about. She said that instead, they issue a parentage order. She explained that the only difference between these two things was that the parentage order is issued after the baby is born, but before it leaves the hospital. The end result is the same - the biological parent(s) goes directly onto the birth certificate, and I am not required to appear on it and then "give up" the baby for adoption. We also discussed the possibility of me delivering in Illinois, since I am only about half an hour away from a good hospital on the IL side. IL is one of the most surro friendly states in the country, so it's something that we can talk about with potential IPs when we get to that stage.
Once she had gone over my paper application with me and I had asked my questions of her, she told me a little bit about a couple in the Chicago area she had in mind for me. From what I heard about them I said I would like for her to show them my profile. She said that they are currently out of town but she will show them my profile about a week from now. If they decide they like me, she will then send me their profile for my husband and I to go over and decide if we would like to set up a conference call with them.
Before now, this has been such an abstract idea to me. I have wanted to help a couple achieve their dream of family. Now I have been given information on a real live couple who has their own unique story that has brought them to using surrogacy as a means to become parents. The thought that I might meet THE couple in the next week or two has me excited and frightened at the same time!
For example, she clarified that Missouri does not, in fact, issue PBOs. This is something I had been attempting to research in the last few days and had gotten very confused about. She said that instead, they issue a parentage order. She explained that the only difference between these two things was that the parentage order is issued after the baby is born, but before it leaves the hospital. The end result is the same - the biological parent(s) goes directly onto the birth certificate, and I am not required to appear on it and then "give up" the baby for adoption. We also discussed the possibility of me delivering in Illinois, since I am only about half an hour away from a good hospital on the IL side. IL is one of the most surro friendly states in the country, so it's something that we can talk about with potential IPs when we get to that stage.
Once she had gone over my paper application with me and I had asked my questions of her, she told me a little bit about a couple in the Chicago area she had in mind for me. From what I heard about them I said I would like for her to show them my profile. She said that they are currently out of town but she will show them my profile about a week from now. If they decide they like me, she will then send me their profile for my husband and I to go over and decide if we would like to set up a conference call with them.
Before now, this has been such an abstract idea to me. I have wanted to help a couple achieve their dream of family. Now I have been given information on a real live couple who has their own unique story that has brought them to using surrogacy as a means to become parents. The thought that I might meet THE couple in the next week or two has me excited and frightened at the same time!
Monday, March 26, 2012
First Steps
I had decided I was interested in surrogacy, but wasn't sure where to start. So I did what just about everyone does when they need answers - I Googled it. When you google "surrogate" or "surrogacy" the first things that pop up are several websites with tag lines like, "Surrogates Needed. Great Pay!" Having done no prior research, I assumed I'd found what I needed. There were several different agencies I could choose from. So after a couple days of browsing around, I went ahead and filled out the preliminary application form for the agency whose website I liked the most.
In case you were wondering, not everyone can be a surrogate. There are more requirements than just the desire to help a needy couple (or, I guess get "great pay" like these websites seemed to think is the driving reason to be a surrogate). You have to live in a surro friendly state. You have to have had at least one child of your own, and had full term, uncomplicated pregnancies. There are upper and lower age limits, weight requirements, and neither you nor anyone in your household can smoke. These seem to be the most basic requirements, although some agencies are pickier than others.
Based on the website's info, I learned that once my initial application was accepted I would have to complete a much more detailed application, submit my medical and insurance information, undergo some medical and psychological screening, and have a background check and STD test run on both my husband and myself. So when I received a fairly curt reply from the agency that based on my initial application I would be approved but they would not work with me until I was finished breastfeeding, I was a little confused. I understand not wanting to match you with someone until you are finished breastfeeding, since you can't start any IVF meds during that time. But it seemed like it would take quite a while just to get through all the initial screening, and I didn't see why we couldn't get some of that out of the way before my daughter was weaned.
So I decided to dig a little deeper. Luckily, through continued Google searching I stumbled upon a website called Surrogate Mothers Online (SMO). Man, and I glad I found that site. The forums there are so helpful, and lucky for me they contained a thread listing just about all of the surrogate agencies out there, along with extensive reviews of each agency. Upon reading reviews of those big agencies that I had found websites for, I realized why they are advertising so heavily. It turns out that they DO need surrogates, because surrogates in the know do not use those agencies. Complaints ranged from the irritating (such as continued attempts to match you with IPs who don't meet even your most basic requirements), to the bad (drawing up contracts which heavily favor the IPs), to the potentially life ruining (failing to ensure that IPs have enough money to pay for the surrogacy journey, and then failing to pursue them when IPs stop paying your bills).
Using the SMO forum, I was able to identify several highly regarded agencies. I also discovered that you don't even need an agency in order to do surrogacy. If you are willing to put yourself out there and do your own legwork, this is potentially a much cheaper way to go for the IPs, and therefore they don't need to be gazillionares to have children via surrogacy.
After some more research and consideration, I decided that at this time I am more comfortable moving forward with an agency than going independent, for a few reasons. First, you just never know who you are going to meet online. Just as agencies screen potential surrogates, they also screen IPs, and they don't share contact info until you are officially matched. That way I'm not out there in internetland for some baby-crazy person to start harassing. Secondly, I like the idea of having the agency mediate through the contract negotiation phase, as that part makes me nervous. I think it will be much easier to ask for what I think I need to make sure my family and I are covered and secure during this process without having to deal with the IPs directly. And I think most importantly, I like the aspect of financial security you get from an agency. Most agencies require that the IPs create an escrow account at the beginning of the journey with enough money to cover both the expected costs as well as contingencies of the IVF process and the pregnancy.
There are a lot of good reasons to choose either option, but I feel like with my level of inexperience, the agency route is the better choice for me. After extensively reviewing the feedback for many agencies, I contacted about five more agencies, and then narrowed it down to two. I contacted the first one back in February, and although they did not want to match me until I was done breastfeeding, they let me fill out all of the initial paperwork and collected and reviewed my medical records. I also did a phone interview (my caseworker is super sweet and a former surrogate herself), and now they are just waiting for news that I have weaned my daughter and am ready to go. They are an agency in California with clients all over the world.
The other agency is a smaller agency based in the Midwest, with most of their IPs also being from the Midwest. Since it is smaller it might take a little longer to match, but the draw is that I could potentially be much closer to my IPs. I have just finished submitting my paperwork to this agency, and I have a call with the caseworker tonight! She has no problem screening and matching while I am breastfeeding since the process takes a few months, and has even mentioned that she has a couple in Chicago that she thinks I might be a good match for. So we will see how the interview goes tonight!
In case you were wondering, not everyone can be a surrogate. There are more requirements than just the desire to help a needy couple (or, I guess get "great pay" like these websites seemed to think is the driving reason to be a surrogate). You have to live in a surro friendly state. You have to have had at least one child of your own, and had full term, uncomplicated pregnancies. There are upper and lower age limits, weight requirements, and neither you nor anyone in your household can smoke. These seem to be the most basic requirements, although some agencies are pickier than others.
Based on the website's info, I learned that once my initial application was accepted I would have to complete a much more detailed application, submit my medical and insurance information, undergo some medical and psychological screening, and have a background check and STD test run on both my husband and myself. So when I received a fairly curt reply from the agency that based on my initial application I would be approved but they would not work with me until I was finished breastfeeding, I was a little confused. I understand not wanting to match you with someone until you are finished breastfeeding, since you can't start any IVF meds during that time. But it seemed like it would take quite a while just to get through all the initial screening, and I didn't see why we couldn't get some of that out of the way before my daughter was weaned.
So I decided to dig a little deeper. Luckily, through continued Google searching I stumbled upon a website called Surrogate Mothers Online (SMO). Man, and I glad I found that site. The forums there are so helpful, and lucky for me they contained a thread listing just about all of the surrogate agencies out there, along with extensive reviews of each agency. Upon reading reviews of those big agencies that I had found websites for, I realized why they are advertising so heavily. It turns out that they DO need surrogates, because surrogates in the know do not use those agencies. Complaints ranged from the irritating (such as continued attempts to match you with IPs who don't meet even your most basic requirements), to the bad (drawing up contracts which heavily favor the IPs), to the potentially life ruining (failing to ensure that IPs have enough money to pay for the surrogacy journey, and then failing to pursue them when IPs stop paying your bills).
Using the SMO forum, I was able to identify several highly regarded agencies. I also discovered that you don't even need an agency in order to do surrogacy. If you are willing to put yourself out there and do your own legwork, this is potentially a much cheaper way to go for the IPs, and therefore they don't need to be gazillionares to have children via surrogacy.
After some more research and consideration, I decided that at this time I am more comfortable moving forward with an agency than going independent, for a few reasons. First, you just never know who you are going to meet online. Just as agencies screen potential surrogates, they also screen IPs, and they don't share contact info until you are officially matched. That way I'm not out there in internetland for some baby-crazy person to start harassing. Secondly, I like the idea of having the agency mediate through the contract negotiation phase, as that part makes me nervous. I think it will be much easier to ask for what I think I need to make sure my family and I are covered and secure during this process without having to deal with the IPs directly. And I think most importantly, I like the aspect of financial security you get from an agency. Most agencies require that the IPs create an escrow account at the beginning of the journey with enough money to cover both the expected costs as well as contingencies of the IVF process and the pregnancy.
There are a lot of good reasons to choose either option, but I feel like with my level of inexperience, the agency route is the better choice for me. After extensively reviewing the feedback for many agencies, I contacted about five more agencies, and then narrowed it down to two. I contacted the first one back in February, and although they did not want to match me until I was done breastfeeding, they let me fill out all of the initial paperwork and collected and reviewed my medical records. I also did a phone interview (my caseworker is super sweet and a former surrogate herself), and now they are just waiting for news that I have weaned my daughter and am ready to go. They are an agency in California with clients all over the world.
The other agency is a smaller agency based in the Midwest, with most of their IPs also being from the Midwest. Since it is smaller it might take a little longer to match, but the draw is that I could potentially be much closer to my IPs. I have just finished submitting my paperwork to this agency, and I have a call with the caseworker tonight! She has no problem screening and matching while I am breastfeeding since the process takes a few months, and has even mentioned that she has a couple in Chicago that she thinks I might be a good match for. So we will see how the interview goes tonight!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Why am I Doing This?
Right now you may be thinking, why the heck would you want to do something like this? I'm sure there are many reasons that people are drawn to surrogacy. But as best as I can explain, here is my reason:
The journey began for me last summer, when I was still pregnant with my own child. Even before I gave birth, I knew I would miss being pregnant. Now, as family and friends can attest, I was never one of those women who looked forward to pregnancy. In fact, until a couple of years ago, the very idea of pregnancy was revolting to me. But, it was a necessary evil that I had to get through to get the end result, a child.
Much to my surprise, I LOVED being pregnant. I loved everything about it. Other than some mild queasiness, I never had any morning sickness. During my first trimester I was exhausted, but I loved being lazy. My husband is a nurse, so not only was he able to understand the biology behind why I had suddenly turned into such a lazybones, but he was a rockstar when it came to taking care of me. Seriously, I feel sorry for any woman who has ever had to be pregnant without my husband to take care of them. Which is really every other mother in the history of the human race, now that I think about it. But back to the point, I loved being nurtured by my husband. Then my second trimester came along, and the rest of the pregnancy was super easy. I loved watching my body grow and feeling the tiny flutterings grow into strong punches and kicks. I loved how people treated me while I was pregnant - everyone was super nice and went out of their way to do things for me. Even my labor and delivery were great. I ended up being induced post-term at 2:30pm, and by 9:45pm I had my baby in my arms.
Then there is being a mother. Oh my God, I wish I could find the words to describe it. But there aren't enough words in the English language to put a label on the emotions that a parent feels for their child. The word "love" doesn't even come close. I love lots of things - my friends, my car, reading, ice cream. I can even say I "love" my husband, and I love him a lot. But what I feel toward my daughter is something else entirely. "Love" doesn't explain how I can be perfectly content to spend hours on end just watching her play and babble. How even though I want get a babysitter and enjoy a night out of the house, all I really want to do once I am out is go back home. How I can struggle to get her down to sleep and then half an hour later I have to fight the urge to go wake her up just so I can cuddle her some more. How every time I make even the smallest decision, I think first of exactly how it could possibly affect her. Having my daughter has fundamentally changed me.
I'm not saying everyone should become a parent. Some people certainly should not become parents, especially if they do not want to. But I have several friends and acquaintances who do want to become parents and are struggling or have struggled with infertility. Chances are you do too - it is estimated that at least 1 in 10 couples are faced with some form of infertility. My heart breaks for these people. Having children should be a natural right of passage in the progression of life, and the most intimate and binding expression of love between two people. But these couples are robbed of that because of their biology. I wish I could do something to change that, but it is out of my power. I can't change anyone's fertility or help them get pregnant. What I can do, however, is help someone get to that ultimate goal - becoming a parent.
The journey began for me last summer, when I was still pregnant with my own child. Even before I gave birth, I knew I would miss being pregnant. Now, as family and friends can attest, I was never one of those women who looked forward to pregnancy. In fact, until a couple of years ago, the very idea of pregnancy was revolting to me. But, it was a necessary evil that I had to get through to get the end result, a child.
Much to my surprise, I LOVED being pregnant. I loved everything about it. Other than some mild queasiness, I never had any morning sickness. During my first trimester I was exhausted, but I loved being lazy. My husband is a nurse, so not only was he able to understand the biology behind why I had suddenly turned into such a lazybones, but he was a rockstar when it came to taking care of me. Seriously, I feel sorry for any woman who has ever had to be pregnant without my husband to take care of them. Which is really every other mother in the history of the human race, now that I think about it. But back to the point, I loved being nurtured by my husband. Then my second trimester came along, and the rest of the pregnancy was super easy. I loved watching my body grow and feeling the tiny flutterings grow into strong punches and kicks. I loved how people treated me while I was pregnant - everyone was super nice and went out of their way to do things for me. Even my labor and delivery were great. I ended up being induced post-term at 2:30pm, and by 9:45pm I had my baby in my arms.
Then there is being a mother. Oh my God, I wish I could find the words to describe it. But there aren't enough words in the English language to put a label on the emotions that a parent feels for their child. The word "love" doesn't even come close. I love lots of things - my friends, my car, reading, ice cream. I can even say I "love" my husband, and I love him a lot. But what I feel toward my daughter is something else entirely. "Love" doesn't explain how I can be perfectly content to spend hours on end just watching her play and babble. How even though I want get a babysitter and enjoy a night out of the house, all I really want to do once I am out is go back home. How I can struggle to get her down to sleep and then half an hour later I have to fight the urge to go wake her up just so I can cuddle her some more. How every time I make even the smallest decision, I think first of exactly how it could possibly affect her. Having my daughter has fundamentally changed me.
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| My daugther and me |
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
What is Surrogacy?
You may be wondering, what the heck is a surrogate? It turns out this is can be a very loaded question, so to start I will give you the Wikipedia definition:
"Surrogacy is an arrangement in which a woman carries and delivers a child for another couple or person. This woman, the surrogate mother, may be the child's genetic mother (called traditional surrogacy), or she may be biologically unrelated to the child (called gestational surrogacy)."
I will be a gestational surrogate, meaning I will have no biological relationship to the child I carry. We will use the process of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to impregnate me with someone else's already created and growing embryos. These embryos will either come from the egg and sperm of both parents, or as is often the case in a couple with fertility problems or a same sex couple, an egg donor and the father's sperm. I will carry the child, and once it is born, I will give it to its parents (referred to as the Intended Parents or IPs), who will have full legal and financial responsibility for it.
Sounds simple enough, right? Not so much. Surrogacy is a hugely complicated path toward creating a family. First of all, there are laws to consider. There is no national law regarding surrogacy, so each state is different. Some states are considered "surrogacy friendly," others have ambiguous laws regarding surrogacy, and in some states, surrogacy contracts are unenforceable or even illegal. Some states allow surrogacy only if it is uncompensated. Some allow it only if one or both parents are biologically related to the child. Some states only allow heterosexual married couples to use surrogacy to build their family.
And then there is the issue of the birth certificate. Traditionally, any woman who bears a child is listed as its mother on the birth certificate. If she is married, her husband is automatically listed as the father. Any changes made to this normally require legal proceedings in which the "birth parent" gives up custody of the child and the new parent adopts it. However in the surrogacy setting, this arrangement isn't the preferred way of doing things. For one thing, even if birth mothers have an adoption plan in place before their child is born, there is still a certain amount of time after the child is born in which they can change their minds. This creates huge problems in the event of surrogacy, where the intended parents have payed (usually out of pocket) all of the costs for the IVF procedures for getting the surrogate pregnant, as well as all of her uncovered medical expenses, fertility and pregnancy related travel expenses, and usually additional compensation for her pain and suffering during the pregnancy as well. Not to mention, the child isn't even biologically related to the birth mother and father, and is almost always related to at least one of the IPs. These possibilities make the whole situation very risky for intended parents and leaves the door open for huge battles in court.
Then there is the issue of the adoption from the GS's perspective. Most GSs don't want their name anywhere near a birth certificate of a child that isn't theirs. What if the IPs change their mind, or something goes wrong and the adoption isn't approved? All of a sudden you have a child that you weren't planning on having. And placing a child for adoption, even one that isn't biologically yours, can have ramifications down the line. For example, most people are not approved to adopt a child if they have placed a child for adoption in the past. What if complications from this pregnancy result in loss of my fertility? My husband and I are planning to have another child of our own one day, and if (God forbid) we can't do it "the old fashioned way," we definitely want to keep adoption open as a option.
The solution to these complications is the pre-birth order (PBO). This is a legal document that is completed before the child is born, ordering that the intended parents be placed directly onto the birth certificate at birth. The PBOs eliminate most risks both to the GS and the IPs, and are almost always obtained where possible. Since there aren't many laws regarding surrogacy yet, there are very few states with any written laws regarding PBOs. Therefore, the ease of obtaining a PBO varies widely by state, county, and even individual judge. A PBO must be obtained in the state that the child will be born in, so the GS's state is the one that matters, unless she is planning to travel for the birth.
In the state of Missouri, which is the state that matters in my circumstances, there are no official PBO or surrogacy laws. But a PBO can USUALLY be obtained given that at least one of the IPs is biologically related to the child. At the time of birth, the parent who is biologically related to the child is placed on the birth certificate (if both are, they would both be listed). The GS and her husband do not appear on the birth certificate at all. If the other parent needs to be added to the birth certificate, they will complete the same procedure as is done in a step parent adoption after the baby is born. This works for both heterosexual (often referred to as "traditional" couples in surrogacy) or same sex couples.
Got it? And that's just barely scratching the surface of everything that needs to be considered before going into a surrogacy arrangement. Anyway, I hope I have explained the basic process clearly enough. Please let me know if you have any questions or if I need to clarify something!
"Surrogacy is an arrangement in which a woman carries and delivers a child for another couple or person. This woman, the surrogate mother, may be the child's genetic mother (called traditional surrogacy), or she may be biologically unrelated to the child (called gestational surrogacy)."
I will be a gestational surrogate, meaning I will have no biological relationship to the child I carry. We will use the process of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to impregnate me with someone else's already created and growing embryos. These embryos will either come from the egg and sperm of both parents, or as is often the case in a couple with fertility problems or a same sex couple, an egg donor and the father's sperm. I will carry the child, and once it is born, I will give it to its parents (referred to as the Intended Parents or IPs), who will have full legal and financial responsibility for it.
Sounds simple enough, right? Not so much. Surrogacy is a hugely complicated path toward creating a family. First of all, there are laws to consider. There is no national law regarding surrogacy, so each state is different. Some states are considered "surrogacy friendly," others have ambiguous laws regarding surrogacy, and in some states, surrogacy contracts are unenforceable or even illegal. Some states allow surrogacy only if it is uncompensated. Some allow it only if one or both parents are biologically related to the child. Some states only allow heterosexual married couples to use surrogacy to build their family.
And then there is the issue of the birth certificate. Traditionally, any woman who bears a child is listed as its mother on the birth certificate. If she is married, her husband is automatically listed as the father. Any changes made to this normally require legal proceedings in which the "birth parent" gives up custody of the child and the new parent adopts it. However in the surrogacy setting, this arrangement isn't the preferred way of doing things. For one thing, even if birth mothers have an adoption plan in place before their child is born, there is still a certain amount of time after the child is born in which they can change their minds. This creates huge problems in the event of surrogacy, where the intended parents have payed (usually out of pocket) all of the costs for the IVF procedures for getting the surrogate pregnant, as well as all of her uncovered medical expenses, fertility and pregnancy related travel expenses, and usually additional compensation for her pain and suffering during the pregnancy as well. Not to mention, the child isn't even biologically related to the birth mother and father, and is almost always related to at least one of the IPs. These possibilities make the whole situation very risky for intended parents and leaves the door open for huge battles in court.
Then there is the issue of the adoption from the GS's perspective. Most GSs don't want their name anywhere near a birth certificate of a child that isn't theirs. What if the IPs change their mind, or something goes wrong and the adoption isn't approved? All of a sudden you have a child that you weren't planning on having. And placing a child for adoption, even one that isn't biologically yours, can have ramifications down the line. For example, most people are not approved to adopt a child if they have placed a child for adoption in the past. What if complications from this pregnancy result in loss of my fertility? My husband and I are planning to have another child of our own one day, and if (God forbid) we can't do it "the old fashioned way," we definitely want to keep adoption open as a option.
The solution to these complications is the pre-birth order (PBO). This is a legal document that is completed before the child is born, ordering that the intended parents be placed directly onto the birth certificate at birth. The PBOs eliminate most risks both to the GS and the IPs, and are almost always obtained where possible. Since there aren't many laws regarding surrogacy yet, there are very few states with any written laws regarding PBOs. Therefore, the ease of obtaining a PBO varies widely by state, county, and even individual judge. A PBO must be obtained in the state that the child will be born in, so the GS's state is the one that matters, unless she is planning to travel for the birth.
In the state of Missouri, which is the state that matters in my circumstances, there are no official PBO or surrogacy laws. But a PBO can USUALLY be obtained given that at least one of the IPs is biologically related to the child. At the time of birth, the parent who is biologically related to the child is placed on the birth certificate (if both are, they would both be listed). The GS and her husband do not appear on the birth certificate at all. If the other parent needs to be added to the birth certificate, they will complete the same procedure as is done in a step parent adoption after the baby is born. This works for both heterosexual (often referred to as "traditional" couples in surrogacy) or same sex couples.
Got it? And that's just barely scratching the surface of everything that needs to be considered before going into a surrogacy arrangement. Anyway, I hope I have explained the basic process clearly enough. Please let me know if you have any questions or if I need to clarify something!
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